How to Coach Yourself and Others Techniques For Coaching | Seite 410

“solve the problem”. Speakers are often just looking for empathy, a
chance to vent, and to clarify their own thinking. They may consider it
an insult to their intelligence for the listener to offer solutions. And if
the solutions posed seem simple, the speaker may feel like her feelings
are being judged as being irrational.
Reflective listening is not simply repeating or paraphrasing what a
speaker has said. Most speakers don't question your comprehension of
their words, but they need to know that you know how they feel.
Reflective Listening Is Not Always Enough
While reflective listening is arguably the single most important
communication skill taught, sometimes the technique falls short of its
goals. When the feelings expressed are quite strong, or the speaker
carries some doubt or shame about their feelings, a neutral reflection
by the listener can miss the mark, even if the feeling reflected is
accurate and the tone is empathetic. For example:
Worker: I can't believe the secretary hasn't finished my report yet.
What the hell is the matter with her?
Co-worker: You're angry that she's not done.
Worker: Angry? Oh no. I'm sure she's got her hands full like all of us.
But damn it, I've got to present that report in half an hour!
Co-worker: You are afraid you won't have it in time.
Worker: No. It doesn't matter. I can present the bulk of it without
having it in writing. ...Damn!
The worker in this example is embarrassed by his own feelings as they
are reflected back to him, and he denies them. He is not convinced by
the reflective listening that his anger and fear are understandable. An
empathetic tone of voice is not always enough to communicate that
someone's feelings are okay. The empathy in the tone, however, can be
put into words. This is where the skill of validation comes in.

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