How to Coach Yourself and Others Techniques For Coaching | Page 409

3.44.2 VALIDIATION
Validation is a powerful communication skill. Its usage can dismantle
power struggles, resolve arguments, and build deeply trusting
relationships. Technically, validation is an advanced skill, because it
builds upon the more basic skill of "reflective listening". While
reflective listening is frequently taught in communication workshops or
classes, validation is less well understood, even by many professional
marriage counselors.
Validation is called for when reflective listening fails to be enough to
help a speaker feel truly understood. Before delving into more about
validation, however, a review of reflective listening is in order.
Reflective Listening
The goals of reflective listening are several:
1. To facilitate the expression of someone else's feelings.
2. To enhance a speaker's problem-solving ability by helping them
move through "stuck" feelings; and
3. To generate a feeling of warmth and understanding between listener
and speaker.
The technique of reflective listening is deceptively simple to describe,
and challenging to master. The listener must identify the primary
feelings the speaker is having and then reflect back that understanding
with an empathetic tone. For example:
Wife: If that neighbor parks in my space again I'm going to let all the
air out of his tires!
Husband: Sounds like you're angry that he keeps taking your spot.
Wife: You bet I am. I've told him not to ten times! But I don't want to
get him mad at us because I know what a jerk he can be.
Husband: You're afraid of what else he might do.
Reflective listening avoids the many pitfalls listeners tend to fall into:
judging, minimizing or discounting feelings, giving advice, or not
responding at all. One of the most common pitfalls is trying to help
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