How to Coach Yourself and Others Techniques For Coaching | Page 125

a. We should avoid doing for others what they can actually do for
themselves. (Unless there are important reasons, why at this time we
should do this for them.) By taking on the others' responsibilities, we
might hold them back in their growth process. As long as they depend
on others, they will not develop the inner self-confidence, strength and
responsibility necessary for their natural maturity as human beings.
b. We will also need to say not when what is requested from us is in
conflict with our sense of morality, such as telling a lie.
c. And, of course, we will have to say no when we are asked to do
something that is harmful to ourselves or others.
3. PREVENTIVE I- MESSAGES
When we have observed that a problem has developed in the past and
we want to avoid the same or worse happening in the future, it is time
for a preventive I-message. We hope to prevent a more serious conflict
by expressing what is happening within us or what we need or will
need, do or will do. The steps are:
a. We take responsibility for what we are feeling inside us, which is a
result of our programming.
b. We identify what emotions and sensations we are feeling.
c. We identify what programs, needs, desires or beliefs are creating
those feelings.
d. We identify the behavior of the other person that stimulates this
program and the consequent unpleasant and separating feelings.
An example:
« I have a childhood conditioning that one shouldn't eat in front of
others without offering them a portion. When you eat in front of me and
do not offer me any, I feel disrespected and unloved. I realize that it is
my problem, but I thought I should explain it to you because sometimes
it affects my behavior toward you.»

434