How to Coach Yourself and Others Techniques For Coaching | Page 126

Now it is time for active listening to see how the other feels. The other
may have been completely unaware of the problem, or he she may have
sensed it but have feared being rejected if he offered the food.
Another example:
«Dear, you know I am beginning to have negative feelings toward you
lately, and I would like to discuss the problem. As you have probably
realized, I have a need to be reassured of your love though affection and
attention. Lately, it seems that you have been very tired or preoccupied
with other things, and haven't been paying very much attention to me.
Sometimes I talk to you and you do not even answer. When this
happens, I feel rejected, unloved, bitter and angry toward you. I
sometimes also fear that you have found someone else.
"I am trying to think positively and find strength within myself, but I do
still need some more affection and attention from you. Can we discuss
this? I would be very interested in what has been going on inside you all
this time. I think our relationship needs this communication.»
And then we switch to active listening to understand what the other is
feeling. No one has been blamed or accused of being unloving or
insensitive. No feelings have been suppressed. We have a deep open
communication between two responsible adults.
4. CONFRONTIVE I- MESSAGES
When a situation is causing us strong negative emotions and we have
made some attempts to create understanding and cooperation without
response, we may need to make a confrontive I-message. In addition to
all the aspects of the preventive message previously mentioned, we
might assertively add that we are determined to have our needs met in
this situation. In some cases, when repeated communication has
brought about little attention or cooperation from the other party, we
may have to inform him of what we plan to do if the behavior is not
changed. For example,