How to Coach Yourself and Others Techniques For Coaching | Page 122

3. State the consequences of the behavior: “… beause I think you may
not call the doctor and you may die and leave me.”
4. Explain what you would like to happen instead: “so please, make an
appointment with the doctor!”
The order in which the 4 parts are expressed is usually not important.
Example:
1. I feel _________________ (express your feeling)
2. when you _____________ (describe the action that affects you or relates
to the feeling)
3. because _______________ (explain how the action affects you or relates
to the feeling)
4. that’s why I would like you to _______ (state your preference for what
you would like to take place instead.)
HOW TO DECODE A “YOU” MESSAGE
What a difference it would have made in your self esteem if your
parents used this principle. What if you had heard “I don’t want to
hurt you” instead of “You’re too sensitive.” But it’s not too late. You can
translate hurtful “you” messages back to “I” messages.
1. Start with writing something painful that your parents or another has
said to you about you.
2. Remember how you felt when you heard it? How did it affect your
self esteem?
3. What did you want to do when you heard it?
4. Now translate the parent’s or other’s message into an “I” message
5. How do you feel when think of the “I” message?

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