How to Coach Yourself and Others Techniques For Coaching | Page 121

3.13 I-MESSAGES
You can make a huge difference in your self-esteem as you learn to use
assertive “I” messages instead of hurtful “you” messages. It may be hard
to re-train yourself to speak in self empowering “I” messages instead of
negative “you” messages, but the effort is ever-so worth it.
“You” messages are often heard as blaming, hurtful communications
that tend to put people on the defensive, and make them want to attack
or withdraw. “I’ messages are more easily heard by others. This
increases the chance that we can work with others to get what we need.
Examples of “You” Messages:
“Turn the TV down. You’re so inconsiderate.”
“You just wear me out. Now you’ve really made me mad.”
“You better call the doctor right now.”
Example of an “I” Message.
Using the example above, “You better call the doctor right now” we can
see that an “I” message would be easier to hear and more likely to
result in the hearer taking the desired
“When I see you having trouble breathing I feel so scared because I
think you may not call the doctor and you may die and leave me.”
HOW TO CONSTRUCT AN “I” MESSAGE
Write out a sentence using the 4 steps below. As you become more
familiar with the process, you can just think it out before speaking.
1. Describe the behavior that is troubling you – specifically, without
blaming or sounding judgmental. Limit the area of behavior that
concerns you (instead of globalizing) by starting with “When”: “When I
see you having trouble breathing…”
2. State your feelings about the possible consequences of the behavior:
“I feel so scared…”

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