How to Coach Yourself and Others How to Influence, Persuade and Motivate | Page 236

We feel validation when we see others do what we want to do. We
learned early in life that we make fewer mistakes when we follow the
social norm. There are two types of norms: explicit and implicit. Explicit
norms are openly spoken or written. For example, road signs, employee
manuals, or game rules are all examples of explicit norms. Implicit norms
are not usually stated openly. For example, most people don't have to be
directed to say hello or to smile when they see someone, but they do it
anyway. Or, somehow you know better than to put your feet up on the
dinner table when you're a guest in someone's home, even though your
host most likely will not request that you refrain from doing so.
If we don't know the norm, we look around and find it. The Rule of Social
Validation becomes a way to save time and energy in figuring out what is
correct. We use others' behavior to guide our own actions, to validate
what we should or should not do. We don't always have to look at the
positive and the negative in every situation. This automatic trigger saves
us from thinking. We compare what we do against the standard of what
everyone else is doing. If we find a discrepancy between what we observe
and what we do, we tend to make changes in the direction of the social
norm.
[1]Sharon Brehm, Saul Kassin, and Steven Fein, Social Psychology (New
York: Houghton Mifflin, 1999), p. 213.
Going with the Crowd
Social validation compels us to change our behaviors, our attitudes, and
our actions, even when what we observe doesn't really match our true
feelings, style, and thoughts. We go against our better judgment because
we want to be liked, accepted, and found in agreement with everyone else.
When we are part of a crowd, we "no longer feel individually responsible
for our emotions or actions. We can allow ourselves to shout, sing, cry, or
strike without temperament imposed by personal accountability."