How to Coach Yourself and Others Essential Knowledge For Coaching | Page 462
Express empathy and understanding.
Imagine yourself in their position, and attempt to see things from
their viewpoint.
Use phrases like:
"When I put myself in your shoes, I can see why you would feel that
way," or "From where you stand, it looks like ..." or "I think I see
what you mean" or "That makes sense to me."
Keep in mind that you do this reflective listening and empathy even
if and especially if you don't agree with or like what they are saying!
Avoid teaching, correcting or instructing while your child is angry.
When you are successful with reflective listening and empathy, the
person with anger management issues will usually start to calm
down. Then, and only then you may want to share some of your own
similar experiences. Pay attention to them, and only speak when you
feel certain they open to what you have to say. Otherwise, you're
wasting your breath and probably widening the gap between you.
Claim your authority. It is important that you let them know that you
are in charge of the situation. Parenting skills without authority will
be virtually useless. Adolescents will often try to claim more power
than is good for them. You're not doing them any favors by giving
them more power than they can handle. Adolescents actually feel
more secure when their parents are in charge than they do when
they're allowed to take over. It's scary for a teenager to be more
powerful than the adults around her/him.
Parent discipline however needs to be kept separate from this kind
of communication, and administered when both you and the
youngster are calm. That way the adolscent gets the clear message
that it is not their emotion that is being disciplined, it is their teen
behavior.
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