How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Starts With Non Violent Communication | Page 7
The “4 Ears”: How We Choose to Hear Difficult Messages
EXAMPLE #1
Person A: How dare you walk out of the room when I’m talking! You inconsiderate S.O.B.! You just
can’t stand to hear the truth.
1. Person B (blaming A): Me the S.O.B. … how about you! You’re the one who started all this in the
first place. You are so self-righteous telling me I’m inconsiderate. You’ve never thought about another
human being besides yourself!
2. Person B (blaming himself): Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful. It’s just that I don’t
know what to do. I never know what to do, or what to say. I feel so worthless!
3. Person B (sensing his own feelings/needs): When I hear you say that, I feel hurt because I’m
needing respect and to be seen for who I am. And I really need some space because I’m in a lot of pain
right now… Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me just say?
4. Person B (sensing A’s feelings/needs):
Are you feeling angry and wanting respect and to be heard? …
EXAMPLE #2
[Mother has a 1-1/2 hour coffee with a friend… her first time away from the children in 3 days.]
6-Year-Old: Mama I don’t want you to go! What could be more important than being with me?!
(tugging at her leg, crying loudly)
1. M (blaming child): Let go of my leg! Be quiet! You’ve got no reason to cry … I’ve been with you
all day. You always make this so hard! When all I want to do is have a few minutes to myself!
2. M (blaming herself): Oh, my gosh, I’ve really upset you! Why do I always do this?! … Why am I so
selfish? … I’m such an awful mother.
3. M (sensing her own feelings/needs): Honey, I’m really feeling exhausted and needing to just have
some personal time to connect with my good friend, Betty. Would you be willing to let Mary (the
babysitter) hold you? …
4. M (sensing her child’s feelings/needs): Are you feeling sad and wanting to be held? …
Are you feeling hurt and needing to know that you are precious and loved? …