How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Starts With Non Violent Communication | Page 4

Violence Provoking or Life-Alienating Communication
At the base of all violence is a kind of thinking that attributes the cause of conflict to wrongness of
others, with a corresponding inability to think in terms of vulnerabilities (what one feels, fears, yearns
for, and misses). Violence comes out of fear and a belief that some people deserve certain treatment.
Jackal encourages this -kind of thinking by incorporating the following into our everyday language:
A. Diagnosing (instead of respecting): judging and implying wrongness or badness of those who
don't share or live up to one's values. Note that it is important to have and make value
judgments, i.e., determinations of what one values. Moralistic judgments such as the following
are violence provoking.
1. Name calling, fault finding, criticism, put downs, or praise
2. 2. Evaluations, interpretations, analysis, diagnoses, labels (classifications . keep one
from seeing the humanness and individualness in others)
3. 3. Concept of deserve (certain actions or people deserve punishment, others deserve
reward, e.g. merit recognition)
4. 4. Any shame inducing language or behavior.
B. Denying Responsibility (instead of taking responsibility): blaming others or attributing the cause
of one's own actions and feelings to external causes.
1. 1. Blaming others for how one feels, rather than recognizing that feelings are caused
by whether or not one's needs are being met, for example:
a. a. Saying, "you made me mad," to someone who arrived late.
b. b. Believing that someone "hurt you" when they forgot your birthday.
2. 2. Obscuring choice by using words that blame others for one's actions.
a. a. Dictates of authority ("I lied because the boss told me to.")
b. b. Other's actions ("I hit my child because he ran in the street.")
c. c. Vague forces ("I cleaned my room because I had to.")
d. d. A diagnosis ("I drink because I am an alcoholic.")
e. e. Group pressure ("I smoke because all my friends do.")
f. f. Rules, laws, policies, regulations ("I have to suspend you for this infraction
because it's the school policy.")
g. g. Social or sex roles ("I can't throw a ball because I'm a girl.")
h. h. Uncontrollable impulses ("An urge to eat overcame me.")
3. Any guilt inducing language or behavior.
C. Demanding (instead of requesting): attempting to control others by threatening, bossing,
manipulating, or shaming. If the denial of a "request" results in punitive action, the request was
really a demand. When a person perceives a demand the only choices they know are to submit
or to rebel. Demands include the following violence provoking language.
1. 1. Words like: have to, must, should, had better
2. 2. Threats of punishment or blame (punishment extracts a high price)
3. 3. Promise of reward or praise (reward is dehumanizing)
4. 4. Any f