How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Starts With Non Violent Communication | Page 3

An Introduction to Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent communication is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our
ability to remain human, even under challenging conditions. NVC guides us in reframing how we
express ourselves and hear others. Instead of being habitual, automatic responses, our words become
conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling and wanting.
NVC is a Language of Compassion Rather Than Domination, which helps us to resolve conflicts by
focusing our consciousness on what we are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. It leads us
toward a quality of connection among people where everyone’s needs are valued and get met through
compassionate giving out of the joy of contributing to another human being.
The potency of NVC is in its pragmatic simplicity. In any moment, there are two ways to enhance
connection & understanding:
(1) vulnerably express our own feelings & needs, or
(2) empathically listen to the feelings & needs of the other.
These are radically different choices than we are accustomed to experience when we are in conflict:
namely, fight, submit or flee. With practice, NVC helps us navigate within ourselves to transform
blame & judgment, where neither our own needs nor those of the other person are likely to be met,
into a mutual awareness of human needs.
Nonviolent communication uses the metaphors of giraffe and jackal to describe communication that is
either life-serving - communicating to connect -, or violence provoking communication.
Nonviolent communication is a model of being conscious of what one values and is courageous
enough to live accordingly.

The model involves the following steps:
1. Objective Observation (observation without judgment)
a. Concrete actions I observe, without analysis
b. When I (see, hear, remember, imagine, etc.)
2. Honest Feelings (from inside oneself)
a. How I feel in relation to these actions
b. "I feel"
3. Universal Needs (no reference to a specific action, place or person)
a. The life energy in the form of needs, desires, wishes, or values that creates my feelings.
b. "because I am (needing)
4. Specific, Present, Doable Requests (detailed, ideally 40 words or less)
a. a. Clearly requesting that which would enrich my life and the life of my community
without demanding. The concrete actions I would like to be taken.
b. b. “Would you be willing to…”