How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Starts With Non Violent Communication | Page 11

Requests Versus Demands
By Gregg Kendrick, Certified Trainer
Only after a connection has happened between people (i.e. a mutual understanding of each person's
feelings & needs) do we seek to find solutions.
("Connection FIRST, then solutions")
We are more likely to get our needs met when
(1) we are conscious of our needs and
(2) we explicitly make a request that may fulfill our needs. ("Ask for what you need.")

REQUESTS vs. DEMANDS
In making a request, we honor a "NO" as much as a "YES." For example, are we willing to try to
understand what a person is saying "YES" to while they are saying "NO" to us? Do we value the
other's needs in that moment as much as our own?
Example:
You: “I’d really like to understand your needs so we can work this problem out. Would you be willing
to talk about it right now for 5 minutes?
Mary: “I don’t want to talk now.”
You: “Are you exhausted and want to get some rest?”
Mary: “No, I just want to sit here & be left alone.”
You: “So you want to just be with yourself right now?”
Mary: “Yeah, just leave me alone.”
You: “I want to trust that we’ll work this out soon …
would you be willing to talk this afternoon after lunch?”
Mary: “Maybe so, but not now.”
You: “OK … I’ll check with you after lunch.”

Request Cues
“Would you be willing to …?”

Request Check
Requests are clear, positive, and immediately "do-able". They offer a tangible solution to meeting
needs in the moment.
Examples:
Clear: “Would you meet me for coffee at 3:30 tomorrow at the Downtown Coffee Shop?”
Vague: “Would you have a conversation with me sometime?”
Positive: “Would you be willing to explore with me what needs of yours are met by smoking?”
Negative: “Would you stop smoking?”
Do-able: “Would you be willing to tell me what you just heard me say?”
Not do-able: “Would you listen to me?”

Connecting Requests
Did the person hear what you wanted to communicate?:
"Would you be willing to tell me what you just heard me say…?"
What's going on in the other person after hearing what you said?:
"Would you be willing to tell me how you feel after hearing what I said …?"