How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 91

2) Define Consequences - There are some promise situations where you can't get what you're promised
first (e.g. loaning money). In these instances though, you can set consequences. You can tell the other
person 1) how the relationship is going to change until the promise is fulfilled, and 2) what will happen
if it is not fulfilled.
For example: You explain that you will loan them money, under the following conditions... You expect
them to pay you back when they get paid. Until then, you are not paying for any dates. Also, if they
don't pay you back when they get paid, then you're never loaning them money ever again.
Here again, if the promise is sincere, your date will be fine with the "terms" you set. However, if he/she
starts getting upset or defensive, then your partner has intentions to manipulate. So, state the
consequences and see how they react.
3) Appeal to Self-Image - When others don't care about you, they still care about themselves. Even
liars like to think of themselves as good people. So, you can test their sincerity by reflecting back how
a promise makes THEM look and feel.
For example: You say something like, "I trust you because I know you're not the kind of person that
wants to look like a liar or a failure. You will keep your word and do what you say. You're not like
those losers who make promises with no intentions of keeping them".
Such a statement will make a sincere partner feel very good about himself or herself. But, it will make
an insincere partner feel very bad. So, if you say something like the above and your partner gets
hostile, then beware. You're about to be manipulated.
Ground Rules for Dealing with Manipulation set out by Harriet Braiker:
Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. It is not helpful to try to out manipulate a skillful
manipulator - you are simply making yourself vulnerable to further manipulation. You will not change
a manipulator by focusing on his or her imperfections and trying to work toward their achieving
insight. You may think that it would be helpful to share with the manipulator how you feel and how his
or her behavior has an impact on you - but this is generally not helpful since most manipulators are not
capable of empathy and may use this information against you in the future. The only VffV7F