How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 90

2. Making false promises
False promises: The manipulator can falsely promise their victim something, such as promising to
leave after walking him/her to the doorstep
Making false promises serves this manipulative
purpose of taking without giving in return very
well. In this game, the manipulator gets
something in the immediate moment, by
promising something at a later date. Of course,
the promised favor never happens. The victim is
then left feeling cheated and betrayed.
There are many examples of "False Promises" in
dating. Some are mild (e.g. if you go to the
restaurant they want tonight, then they promise
to go to the one you want next time - which
never happens). Others are more severe (e.g. if
you give your lover one more chance, he/she
promises to stop drinking, cheating, etc.).
Unfortunately, even sex and marriage commitments are sometimes given under the pretenses of false
promises.
In “Who's Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your
Life.” (McGraw Hill 2004, ISBN: 0-07-140278-0, $21.95.) Braiker, Harriet B. defines the making of
false promises as the basic tactics that are used to exert control.
There are two kinds of promises and manipulators usually use both:
The first is a promise of gain. That is, the manipulator will promise to provide something if the victim
goes along with what the manipulator wants. "I promise - no arguments for a week if you'll end your
friendship with Pat."
The other tactic is the promise of avoiding loss. In this case, the manipulator threatens the victim with
the loss of something if they do not go along with the manipulator's desires. "I'm going to stay out with
my friends late every night unless this house is cleaned spic and span by the time I get home." (Of
course, these two examples are obvious manipulation attempts. Most manipulators use more subtle
methods than we see in these examples.)
Defense Against False Promises
False promises are particularly tricky to defend against for two reasons. First, it is common to want to
trust your partner. In most cases, that is not only acceptable, but healthy too. Second, it is hard to
determine the difference between a "well intentioned promise" that falls through and a manipulation
that your partner never intended to honor. However, there are some strategies to sort out the difference:
1) Get Yours First - If the promise of an exchange really is sincere, then it doesn't matter who gets
theirs first. So, you should be able to go to YOUR restaurant "this time", and they can take "next time".
Similarly, they won't mind being forgiven AFTER they are sober or faithful for a defined period of
time.
Therefore, when a promise is requested, ask for what you are being "promised" upfront. If your
partner's intentions are good, then he/she will be fine with giving you your part of the exchange
initially. If your date gets mad or upset at that request, however, you are being manipulated.

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