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3.2.1 How to start difficult conversations
When starting a conversation about the experiences of a survivor of sexual violence and abuse , trust is essential . The quality of the relationship is essential . At the same time , it is important to be clear about the purpose of the conversation ( to listen , to compile evidence against a perpetrator , to prepare an asylum application , etc .), to proceed slowly , and to avoid pushing for information . About the most intimate matters , it may be easier and most natural to employ metaphors or a story .
Sitting one-by-one and talking in the office , with a lot of eye contact , can often stress a survivor . Good alternatives are to walk in the woods , sit in a park , do a leisure activity .
HELP AND ACTION
Try to find a balance between asking questions and allowing the survivor to speak in his own time . You can ask more questions over time as survivors gradually open up . Questions are also helpful because the survivor may not know that something he experienced is relevant or worth mentioning . Do not over-react to stories of abuse . Helpers may feel outrage , but survivors sometimes realise the significance of what they have said when they see the helper ’ s shock . Let survivors interpret what happened to them . Reassure them that you believe them and do not judge .
Survivors know that , when they describe their worst experiences , their hearers may be shocked , disgusted or dismissive . Many survivors are afraid of this and often deprecate or understate what happened to them . It is therefore important to respond with respect and understanding ; to reassure the survivor that he is cared for and understood . This involves listening , affirming the normality of the survivor ’ s reactions , allowing expression of emotion , and explaining the survivor ’ s reactions and feelings to the extent that he does not already understand them .
Examples of direct and indirect ways of talking to survivors
“ Let the survivor control the conversation and his story . The goal is not always to say something ; it is often to give the survivor time to process his trauma in a space of trust . It is his story , and he must decide whether he wants to tell it , how he wants to tell it , and to whom .”
Let the survivor control the conversation and his story . The goal is not always to say something ; it is often to give the survivor time to process his trauma in a space of trust . It is his story , and he must decide whether he wants to tell it , how he wants to tell it , and to whom . Survivors need to take possession of their own stories , and to know that they are believed and are not judged . Avoid statements like “ That sounds incredible , it cannot be true ,” or “ Are you sure that ’ s how it happened ?”
Discuss one topic at a time . Note other topics that arise and come back to them later . Say , for example : “ That is an interesting issue . We can come back to it when we have finished what we are doing now .”
Be empathetic . Be aware of your own response , especially if you are discussing a topic associated with taboo and shame . Do not be judgmental or condescending . Show that you want to understand the survivor ’ s situation . Say that you care about him .
Ask open-ended questions ( avoid questions to which the answer is simply “ yes ” or “ no ”).
Avoid leading questions ( which presume the answer ). Allow survivors to reach their own answers .
If you do not understand something , ask the survivor to elaborate . “ Can you put that another way ?” “ What do you mean by that ?” “ In what way is this important to you ?” “ Do you