69 sometimes see that [ response , feeling , experience ] differently ?” “ What would be another way to describe that [ response , feeling , experience ]?”
Tolerate being rejected . Endure it . Rejection is a trauma reaction . Say , for example , “ I understand that you don ’ t want to talk about this topic . We can come back to it if you would like to talk about it in the future .”
Make a suggestion if the survivor is stuck . Base it on what you observe but formulate it as a question . For example , “ I notice that you get annoyed ...” “ I see you ’ re smiling , but my impression is that ...” “ Could it be that you want to be alone more ?” “ Do any of the choices you make support this ?” These are leading questions , but they may be necessary from time to time to move a conversation forward .
Always summarise what has been said before moving on . Check that you both have the same understanding of what has been said . “ If I have understood you correctly , then …”
Elements that help a survivor talk about traumatic events
• Emphasise that he is free to talk or not , and that he can stop whenever he wants .
• Take some short breaks .
• Do some grounding exercises , especially if he has some strong emotional reactions . Remind him that he is present here and now .
• Especially if he is easily overwhelmed when he talks , or struggles to find words , he may find it easier to write his story , or draw it .
• Help him to use the past tense (“ he hit me ”) rather than the present tense (“ he hits me ”), to emphasise that what happened is past . When you summarise at the end , do so in the past tense . “ You told me that two years ago you experienced ...”
• Help him to organise his memories and structure his story . Trauma memories are often chaotic and incomplete . It can help to create a timeline and establish factual anchor points . “ Where did this happen ?” “ When did this happen ?” “ How long did this last ?”
• Do not ask him to describe thoughts or feelings or sensory experiences from the trauma event in detail . Details can be very triggering . They may be important in trauma treatment but are not necessary to tell .
• Respond when the survivor blames himself or expresses shame . Say that his reactions are normal , that he did what he could to survive , that you do not think he has reason to feel guilt . Emphasise at the end of the conversation that you do not think badly of him because of what he has said .
• Be empathetic . Do not hesitate to say that his experiences sound painful and difficult , but try to avoid reacting strongly emotionally yourself . Make clear at the end of the conversation that you can cope with what he has said , though it hurts to hear it .
• If he appears to tell his story emotionlessly and apparently without pain , remember that this is often a sign of a dissociation . The feelings are still usually strong and may emerge later . Continue to follow the advice outlined here .
HELP AND ACTION
3.2.2 Explaining reactions and mental disorders following trauma
The reactions and ailments that male survivors of sexual violence experience occur for a reason ; they reflect attempts by the body and the brain to process extreme experiences . If survivors understand more about the functioning of the brain in crises , this knowledge can ease their frustration and despair at feeling trapped in a body that “ lives its own life ”.