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4.1 Boundaries and demarcation
“ Working with people who have experienced severe trauma is emotionally challenging , for professionals as well as friends and family . Their stories , mental suffering , and desperation can cause helpers to feel confusion and distress . Like survivors , helpers need to understand traumatisation and trauma reactions to be able to protect themselves .”
The experience of many male survivors of sexual violence and abuse is that others have fundamentally violated their personal boundaries . This can also affect their relations with helpers .
In some cases , survivors rebuff assistance . They may be rude , aggressive or dismissive and give the impression that they do not want help . Keeping people at a distance is often a form of self-protection . It can also be a way to avoid disappointment , or express an unconscious desire to punish others for the cruelty they have experienced .
For other survivors , their abuse can lead them to misread their own and others ’ boundaries . When they meet a helper , they may be excessively demanding . They may require helpers to be available in their free time , for example , or ask for personal information . In some cases , they may be over-obedient and self-effacing ; or give an exaggerated impression of helplessness and take little responsibility for tackling their problems .
It can be difficult to cope with these behaviours . When they feel rejected , some helpers may be dismissive and critical in return , while others may be over-accommodating and apologetic . When boundless demands are made or survivors appear helpless , some helpers will set very strong boundaries while others will do all that they can , and more than they should , to help . Crucially , helpers ’ reactions are often influenced by their own experiences and background .
It is important to try to look past the survivor ’ s dismissive behaviour or lack of boundaries to understand why he acts as he does . Is he afraid ? Does he think this is the only way to obtain help ? Does he know what healthy boundaries are ? As noted , it is important to set your boundaries and understand your limits , and seek support from colleagues and supervisors . Saying yes to everything is not positive . You may end up wearing yourself out to help others .
REFLECTION QUESTION
Questions to reflect on
• What are your best qualities in the work you do with male survivors ?
• How can you know that you are providing good care or support ?
ROLE OF THE HELPER