31 that girls must behave in a certain way ), these may not be the best interest of the child who is talking to you . You must put your personal attitudes aside .
• Consider carefully the advice you give . Giving advice means telling a child what to do and what not to do . All helpers will feel tempted to give advice , but often it is not appropriate to do so . You should know the difference between giving advice and providing necessary information ( for example , about legal services , or other forms of referral that might be helpful ). At the same time , children are entitled to be protected by adults and to receive guidance from them . Depending on their age , they are not expected to be responsible for every decision that concerns them . All children should be treated with respect , but small children should not be asked to take decisions they cannot take . If the child has been abused sexually , it is very probable that you will have a duty to refer the child ’ s case to the appropriate authorities , for investigation , care , and psychological support .
THE GOOD HELPER
Always take account of the child ’ s age , culture , gender and language .
2.3.1 Tolerate the pain
Helpers must be able to absorb and tolerate pain , perhaps particularly when they are dealing with the abuse of children . Children and adolescents ( and caregivers ) must feel that the person listening to them can cope with what they have to say , and carry its weight without panic or distress . The helper needs to be empathetic but to remain clear-headed , able to assume responsibility . Ask how you would feel if you were in the child ’ s situation , but above all ask what the child needs . “ We must dare to feel our own pain in order to use our experiences in a conscious way .” Your task is not to take away the child ’ s pain , but to help the child feel less lonely in that pain . You can help to do this by making the child feel more supported and more understood .
2.4 Boundaries and demarcation
Aim . To understand children ’ s rejection as a trauma response .
At the centre of the experience of many survivors of sexual violence and abuse , including children , is the feeling that others have fundamentally violated their personal boundaries . This can also affect their relations with helpers .
In some cases , children who have been sexually abused reject assistance . They may be rude , aggressive or dismissive and give the impression that they do not want help . Keeping people at a distance is often a form of self-protection . It can also be a way to avoid disappointment , or express an unconscious desire to punish others for the cruelty they have experienced .
For other children , their abuse can lead them to misread their own and others ’ boundaries . When they meet a helper , they may be excessively demanding , clinging and appealing , or over-obedient and self-effacing . Or sexually provocative . Or helpless and passive .
It can be difficult to cope with these behaviours . When they feel rejected , some helpers may be dismissive and critical in return , and others over-accommodating and apologetic . When children make boundless demands or appear helpless , some helpers will set very strong boundaries while others will do all they can , and more than they should , to help .