Healthy Mama Magazine SPECIAL RED Edition - Feb 2015 | Page 56
Expanding
Compassion
Envelope
the
a Method for Beating Anger
of
By Leo Babauta from Zen Habits
We go through the same process as a little kid who doesn’t get his way, except we’re grown-ups and we
are supposed to know better. We act like little kids because the part of our brain that’s getting mad is really no different than a scared, selfish child. Kids are selfish because that’s how they are built. Their world is
all about them and as they grow, they start to realize that they are part of a bigger community; their family
unit, their friends and the rest of the world. They either learn the skills to negotiate their place or they don’t.
Life is much easier and more fun if you learn the skills.
Let’s say we’re working and someone interrupts us: bam, so annoyed! Life is suddenly a boiling rage. OK,
maybe we’re just irritated. But why? Simply because we wanted to continue to work uninterrupted, but
someone has ruined that perfect fantasy.
Or let’s say you want something from your spouse (love, attention, sex, support) and they don’t give it to
you. Grrrr! How could they! We want something and we expect them to give it to us, and we think, “Why
don’t they? It would be so easy! They don’t care!”. No different from a kid who wants that Rocky Road ice
cream and throws herself on the floor kicking and screaming when she doesn’t get it.
Here’s the thing, though: the other person doesn’t have the same fantasy as you. The person who interrupts you isn’t as concerned about working without interruption. They might not even realise that it’s
something you need. While that fantasy is your universe, it’s not theirs. Their universe is about getting
something else done, and they need to interrupt you to get that.
Your universe isn’t everyone else’s universe.
OK, we get it. Anger is selfishness, wanting something and then throwing a tantrum when we don’t
get it.
Now what?
This is where Expanding
the Envelope comes in.
Here’s how it works.
Become the watcher of
your anger, rather than
the participant.
When we get an angry impulse, we tend to
act on it — lash out, show irritation, give a
frustrated response. Instead of acting on
that impulse, just watch it.
ill
How w
you
espond ?
r
What’s
going on
here?
Why are you so
angry about something
so
unimportant ?
What fantasy/ideal are you
holding onto that you didn’t get?
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