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Nurture Yourself:
Why Valentine’s Day Can
Be a Heartbreaker
By Annette Racond, Staff Writer
Although Valentine’s Day may have
been designed for lovers, it’s also a
date that can trigger feelings of loneliness and despair for love addicts who
may be in love with someone who
doesn’t – and, in many cases, cannot
– love them back.
Pia Mellody, bestselling author of
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself
the Power to Change the Way You Love
traces the origins of love addiction to
unresolved childhood trauma resulting from abandonment or neglect.
Unfortunately, individuals who were
neglected or experienced abandonment as kids never learned what it
feels like or what it means to have
an authentic connection to another
human being. As a result, such individuals tend to conjure up fantasies
to feel better about their life. These
fantasies actually produce chemical
changes in the body that create a
sense of joy (similar to being high!)
It’s this chemical change that
becomes an addiction and one that
love addicts continue to crave. The
fantasy of being rescued progresses.
The love addict who is involved with
a classic love avoidant (non-relational
and shut-down) wants so much to
believe in the “rescue” fantasy that
she can’t embrace reality. Note that
although love addiction tends to be
more prominent in women, this isn’t
always the case.
Among other symptoms, love
addicts may forego their own opinions to align with their love object’s
views; check Facebook repeatedly
to keep up with every move their
love object’s make; minimize abusive
behavior; and refuse plans with good
friends in the hopes that their love
object will call at the last minutes to
go out.
As the love addict clings increasingly more to the love avoidant, the
love avoidant begins pulling away and
distancing himself further. Ultimately,
the love avoidant becomes so aloof
and detached that the love addicts
finally gives up and terminates the
relationship. The love avoidant realizes he has gone too far and begs for
forgiveness. Once the love addict is
lured back into the relationship, the
cycle repeats itself. Nothing changes
if nothing changes.
The first step in recovery from love
addiction is learning to love who you
are - despite your relationship status.
Being in relationship is wonderful (if
it’s a healthy one), but it shouldn’t
define who you are and how much
you’re worth. If you value yourself,
you’ll emit positive energy that will
attract like-minded people.
You don’t have to do it alone.
There are 12-step meetings, such as
Codependency Anonymous (CODA)
and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous
(SLAA) that offer support. Seek
professional help if you find your life
spiraling out of control due to love
addiction. Read inspiring literature,
spend time with supportive friends
and make an effort to meet new
friends; immerse yourself in creative
endeavors and, most of all, forge
ahead knowing that the best is yet to
come. Take back your power and nurture yourself. You can do this!
&
25
About the Author
Annette Racond is a Certified Health
Coach who has had her work published
in The New York Times, Chicago
Sun-Times, The Miami Herald, and
Newsday, along with other major publications and websites.