Upgrade your emotional software .
Identify your emotional triggers .
Find closure with the past .
You downshift the couple ' s relationship from partners to mom-and-pop parents , you both live in parallel and separate worlds , or you have an affair . You quiet quit the job and do the minimum you need to avoid getting fired — this is leaving nonetheless .
Upgrade your emotional software .
When you reach these bottom lines , your decision to go al‐ ways seems like the right or only decision at the time ; it ’ s what you need , what you deserve , and maybe you do . But if this is part of a larger pattern , your one-note , kneejerk way of dealing with difficult problems and relationships may pro‐ vide immediate relief , but at the cost of missing out on some of life ’ s gifts .
The person , for example , who cuts and runs when on the edge of a commitment — the runaway bride syndrome — not only creates a life filled with disrupted relation‐ ships but never gets to settle into and experience the comforts of longer-term intimacy . The person who quits their job at the slightest whiff of unfairness or criticism not only never experiences a forward-marching career but never learns to
work with teams or has the opportunity to find that change is possible by being assertive rather than angry . It ’ s always valuable to periodically step back , look at the pat‐ terns that run our lives , and decide whether it ’ s time to do things differently . If you ’ re at that point where your old coping style is no longer working and you realize you are , indeed , missing out , here are some suggestions to help you upgrade your emotional software .
Identify your emotional triggers .
Knowing what you are most sensitive to can help you catch hurt feelings before they build , and sharing this information , with your partner or even your supervisor , can help others make adjustments that can change the relationship dynamic .
Find closure with the past .
Because these bottom lines are usually grounded and fueled by wounds of the past , putting them to rest can help drain some of their power . Here , you may reach out to parents or those who hurt you ; it gives them the opportunity and helps them understand what was hurtful — say now what you couldn ’ t say then . Or perhaps talk with a counsellor who can ask the hard questions to help you get a more complete and compassionate picture of those who hurt you or better ex‐ press your hurt feelings .