3 . Your relationship is built around utility .
Sometimes our loved ones may behave in a manner that is unethical and / or potentially harmful . These situations require us to be completely honest with our partners and ourselves – but it is possible that we fail to do so because we love them . “ When someone close to us behaves unethically , we face a conflict between upholding our moral values and maintaining our relationship ,” explains psychologist Rachel Forbes of the University of Toronto in Canada .
Forbes ’ research found that people often experience a deep ambivalence when responding to a significant other ' s unethical actions – possibly because of people ’ s tendency to share a sense of identity with their loved ones : The costs of this ambivalence are twofold :
1 As a by-product of lenience , the self seems to bear some of the burden of the misbehaviour – feeling embarrassed , ashamed , and guilty about the partner ’ s actions
2 The significant other might indulge in the behaviour again and again because they are not called out for it , which can become an extreme cause for concern in abusive relationships
For people who might be struggling with being honest about a loved one ' s misbehaviour , Forbes has the following advice : “ The ambivalence we feel when confronted with close others ’ bad behaviour is difficult to reconcile . When faced with a loved one ’ s unethical behaviour , it ’ s important to reflect on our moral values and whether the act itself fits within those values .”
3 . Your relationship is built around utility .
We usually choose to be in a long-term relationship with someone if we are in love with the person they are . However , in more cases than we would care to admit , there are other considerations – like the status of the family they belong to , how they can help us achieve our own goals , and financial and material perks .
While considering someone as a resource isn ’ t completely wrong , it can be a problem when it is the foundation of one ’ s relationship . Psychologist Xijing Wang refers to this approach as " instrumentality perspective ," which is a dimension of objectification , i . e ., viewing a person as an object . Under an instrumentality perspective , people are degraded as pure tools whose function is to facilitate others ’ goal achievement . In essence , once we take an instrumental approach , we only care about how useful a person is to us .