Wang cites two reasons why this approach can have negative effects on intimate relationships :
1 No partner will be " useful " forever . People ’ s goals can differ substantially during different stages of life and thus the " tools " they need can vary . In other words , although B may be of help to A for a particular goal during a certain period of time , it is challenging for B to be continuously useful for A . Thus , if A wants B to always be " useful ," A will eventually feel disappointed .
2 Your partner can feel objectified . Instrumentality can suggest to a partner that they do not have inherent value and bring nothing to the table other than what they can do to help you achieve a certain goal . According to Wang , being treated in such a callous and depersonalised manner by a partner can be unbearable .
If you are feeling that your partner views you from a solely utilitarian perspective , it is important to know that it is not your fault and you should not let it affect your self-esteem . People are driven by goals , and goal achievement can lead to an instrumental approach which could be a default mode in social relationships , including intimate ones .
Initiating an honest conversation with your partner , a loved one , or a mental health practitioner is advisable in such a scenario as it can directly affect your well-being and self-image .
Conclusion
Having a partner who sticks with you through thick and thin is a blessing . But you need to constantly check in with yourself and evaluate your relationship honestly to ensure that it does not end up turning into a prison rather than a sanctuary .
Mark Travers , Ph . D ., is an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder . Online : Awake Therapy