Defining you .
Abusers make their partners feel badly about themselves . Be- cause they are isolated , people victimised by perspecticide begin to believe the negative descriptions of themselves and lose self-esteem .
Imani ’ s husband told her repeatedly that she was a gloomy , depressed person by nature . He told her that she was selfish to ask for changes in their marriage since she would never be happy anyway . Over time , she stopped asking .
Lori ’ s boyfriend told her she was oversexed and that he needed to keep an eye on her or she ’ d be out of control . He had sex with her at least once on most days , which was more than she wanted , but he told her it was what he needed to do to keep her “ honest .” Over time , she stopped protesting the way he monitored and forced himself on her . She accepted the idea that the sex was “ for her own good .”
Clarice ’ s husband , Dre , did not have a job for the first decade of their marriage . Clarice worked long days and when she returned home he berated her for “ choosing work over family .” In front of the children , he defined her as cold , unloving , and non maternal . Clarice constantly felt obliged to prove that she was a good mother . The children joined their father in blaming Clarice for “ not being around much ,” as if she was making a deliberate choice to be out of the home for long stretches . In the evening , sometimes Dre would take away Clarice ’ s phone , saying , “ Now you ’ re going to have to pay attention to us .”
OK
Setting the terms of life in a couple .
Abusive partners create the expectations . The abuser demands certain acts as proof of love and over time , the person being victimised gives in .
Kelly ’ s husband insisted that they share a toothbrush and that they use the same water or wine glass at all meals . He couldn ’ t seem to tolerate her having anything that was hers alone . Kelly dreamed of being able to close the door when she showered but her husband wanted to be able to see her at all times .
Lily pushed her boyfriend to share all his social media and email passwords and when he refused , she secretly installed a keystroke logger so she could access them against his will . When he found out and confronted her , she replied , “ Loving couples keep no secrets .” He gave up on the idea of internet privacy .