• How do you feel about these arguments ? Are you terrified , bored , angry ? Or has arguing just become the default position through which you and your partner habitually communicate ?
Certainly there are ways to help clients argue better – which brings us to the dangers of constant criticism .
4 . Does your client feel constantly put down ( or do they do that )?
“ I feel like such a disappointment to him !” Annabel told me . I asked my client whether her husband ever said anything nice to her . “ Well , I don ’ t think he thinks there is anything nice to say to me !” she told me forlornly . Research has found that constant criticism ( as opposed to complaint ) and expressions of contempt are big predictors of divorce . 6 A criticism is general and not time limited . It attacks who the person is – for example , “ You are such an idiot !” A complaint , on the other hand , is time limited and specific . It refers to someone ’ s behaviour rather than their core identity – for example , “ I ’ m disappointed you forgot to buy the milk today like I asked you !” If your client is being unduly criticised a lot of the time , or if they seem to be the one constantly sniping at their partner , there are ways you can help them .
5 . Has the 5 / 1 rule fallen apart ?
For a relationship to be stable and successful , according to relationship research , there need to be five ‘ good interactions ’ – laughter , pleasant conversation , enjoyable walk together in nature , great sex , a favour offered , and so on – for every one ‘ not so good interaction ’, such as an argument . 7 Of course , we don ’ t need to ask our clients arithmetic questions about their relationships ! But getting a sense of how often there are good times versus bad times can help us sense the overall health of the relationship . You could even explain the 5 / 1 rule to your client . This next question is about a particularly important type of good interaction .
6 . Do your client and their partner celebrate one another ’ s achievements ?
A partner isn ’ t just a lover but a friend . Spouses who feel their partner is their best friend have been found to be twice as happy in their relationship as those who don ’ t . 8 A good or real friend will be genuinely upset when things go badly for you and genuinely pleased for you when things go well . They ’ ll want to celebrate your achievements and celebrate you .