sullen . He classified all her attempts at privacy or independence as signs that she did not love him . Sara gave in , it was easier than fighting , and she desperately wanted to preserve the “ purity ” of their love . Sam had groomed Sara into isolation , and isolation made her vulnerable to further coercive control .
Intimidation Is Next
Romantic gestures can abruptly turn into intimidation . Abusers typically blame their partners for growing tensions . Victims will work hard to appease the abuser , trying to keep themselves safe and get back to the early glow .
After a romantic dinner one evening , Steve began kissing and taking off the clothes of his boyfriend , Derek . Derek kissed him back but said he did not want to have sex . Steve grabbed him hard by both arms and stared into his face , threateningly . For the first time , Derek felt afraid of Steve , who was bigger and stronger than he was . At that moment , Derek understood that saying “ no ” to sex was not really an option .
To keep the peace , Derek never again directly refused to do what Steve asked of him sexually . Derek felt intimidated throughout the remainder of their relationship but tried to avoid thinking about it .
From initially making their partners feel loved unconditionally and like they can do no wrong , abusers then make their partners work hard to please them , blaming and acting hostile when they do not get their way .
Grooming the Community
Abusers often groom friends , family , and others to overlook signs of abuse and cut ties with the victim . They strategically act charming and helpful , so people cannot imagine the cruel acts occurring behind closed doors .
Iris described how Dave would mow their neighbours ’ lawns , play the organ at church , and coach children ’ s sports teams . No one believed Iris when she first tried to describe how he treated her and the children when they were home alone .
Sometimes abusers groom the community by ruining their partner ’ s reputation . This can be overt or subtle . partner ’ s reputation . This can be overt or subtle .
Leticia said she lost her friends soon after getting together with her husband , “ because of the stories he made up or twisted to make me sound incompetent , lazy , and crazy .”