Mike called Lisa ’ s friends and asked them to let him know if she did anything peculiar , subtly indicating that he was worried that she was becoming “ unhinged .” She noticed certain friends looking at her strangely , but did not know why . The unexplained change in her friends ’ behavior estranged her from them .
Jacob told members of their tight-knit religious community that Hannah was behaving immodestly and neglecting their children . When she tried to leave him , their community shunned her and fought on behalf of her husband ’ s bid for child custody .
The Effects of Grooming
Awareness of the grooming process helps us understand the plight of someone in a relationship with an abuser . Grooming helps explain why people may stay with abusers , submit to their demands , and push away others who try to help . Cassandra Wiener , a coercive control researcher , entreats readers to understand how this grooming process can break down survivors . She explains that survivors of domestic violence and coercive control “ are vulnerable , but not because they are weak , character-deficient or mentally unwell . They are vulnerable because they have been groomed ( Wiener , 2017 )."
If you are concerned that you or someone you care about has been groomed for an abusive relationship , the following can help :
Learn about coercive control .
Complete an inventory of the abusive partner ’ s control .
Avoid isolation by staying connected to friends and / or relatives . Remember that abusers tend to monitor their partners ' contacts , so keep these conversations light and generally supportive , unless you are certain you have privacy .
Speak with a domestic violence advocate at any stage in the relationship , even if there is no physical violence . Advocates
help people understand their situations and figure out safe pathways forward .
References
Wiener , C . ( 2017 ). Seeing what is ‘ Invisible in Plain Sight ’: Policing coer‐ cive control . The Howard Journal , 56 , p . 500 – 515 .
Lisa Aronson Fontes , Ph . D .,
is a senior lecturer at the University of Massachusetts , Amherst , and the author of Invisible Chains : Overcoming Coercive Control in Your
Intimate Relationship .