It is a long walk from where I ’ m standing to get all the way around the building , past my car under the big Maple tree and back to the front entrance . I hope the giant will take up the challenge so that I won ’ t be left standing for no reason in the sludge that leaks from the garbage bins . Fat rats scurry about in the light of the moon as they feed on the scraps that have spilled from the garbage bins after they ’ ve been hoisted into the trucks that come down the lane for garbage pick-up each week .
The seconds pass slowly and the image of Eric flashes into my mind . In a split second I remember Eric , the biggest and toughest man I ’ d ever met up to that point in my young life , and how he took me under his wing when I was just fifteen years old and taught me how to knock a man out with an open hand slap . The hulking powerlifter and legendary leg-breaker for the city ’ s most infamous gangs seemed to have a soft spot in his heart for me . Perhaps he saw the desperation in my eyes . From the moment I met Eric , I knew instantly that if I could somehow be like him and build myself that big , that strong , that tough ... nobody could ever fuck with me again .
This is all you ’ re good for .
As I reach into my pack and remove a cigarette in an attempt to distract myself from my mental dark hole , the heavy metal door slams open against the concrete wall . Amid the cloud of smoke and light that explode from the door as it ’ s flung open , the giant comes in a rush , snarling and heavy footed . I calmly put the un-lit cigarette back in the pack and into my pocket .
I stand loose and relaxed and watch the giant . He is tense ; his face twisted in rage , but his eyes flash with uncertainty , hesitation , and fear . I ’ m calm and at ease and my arms are hanging loosely at my sides .
I ’ ve faced bigger , older , more intimidating people my whole life . For many years I was just a scared kid who prayed every night that I wouldn ’ t get beat up the next day . But my prayers were rarely answered , and it became clear to me that God didn ’ t listen to worthless niggers . So , I took matters into my own hands .
I spent the first fifteen years of my life being the prey , but now I am the hunter . In a small way , every giant I cross is payback .
The giant advances towards me with his hands up . I step back . I can sense the distance between myself and him as accurately as if I had a tape measure in my hand . By the light of the moon , the giant ’ s face registers a mix of rage , hesitation , and confusion . He is confused by my calm retreat every time he steps forward to engage the battle . The giant has not been schooled in the importance of judging distance the way I have .
I know there is a span of five feet between myself and the giant and with each forward step that he takes , I step back to maintain the same range . I become immediately aware of the rhythm of his steps , how he places his weight , how he leads with his foot . It is not a conscious awareness for me but rather a practiced one .
I was never a great wrestler in high school . When I joined the wrestling team in grade eight , I lost almost as many matches as I won because I lacked confidence . Before a match , my anxiety would be so bad that I ’ d have to go to the bathroom to throw up . My nerves made me forget most of what I ’ d practiced . The same win / lose pattern continued throughout my involvement as a competitive wrestler , but the techniques that would most benefit me when I was getting my head kicked in everyday at home , at school , in the streets … sank in . Rolling around on a mat was not practical in terms of my survival against a world that seemed intent on crushing me . Swooping down to snatch an opponent ’ s leg , however , was extremely practical . The leg takedown was the perfect complement to what I learned when I joined a boxing club in grade nine .