This feeling of being unable to
protect ourselves can follow us
throughout our lives and before we
know it, we find ourselves in
situations, both big and small, that
confront us with our lack of
confidence, personal power and
low self-worth.
What are your intentions?
In fact, I was just speaking to a
beautiful, smart, talented woman
who told me she was
experiencing so much anxiety
because her boss had been
getting too close physically and
would say inappropriate sexual
things to her. She wasn’t doing
anything flirtatious to provoke
him and couldn’t understand why
he was acting this way.
I asked her why she didn’t tell
him to back off and her response
was that she “didn’t want to hurt
his feelings or make things
worse by putting her foot down.”
In other words, she was a
“people pleaser.”
She hated how she felt around
him, but didn’t know how to
establish a healthy boundary.
As we looked back at her life,
she saw a strong pattern of
many men being inappropriate
with her and her feeling
powerless (even as a teenage
girl with boys). It was almost as
though she believed, “It’s a
man’s world and that’s just the
way it is. I have no choice.”
Rather than staying focused on
the problem, I asked her what
she wanted to feel instead.
What are your intentions? I
asked her. “What do you want?
What would courage have you
do?”
The first step in setting healthy
boundaries is for us to be able to
identify our own needs, wants,
opinions and rights:
- “Does this feel good to me or
does this feel like I’m being
manipulated for someone’s
gain?”
Once we know how we feel
about a situation, we must
respect ourselves and our
needs. We teach people how to
treat us by the way we treat
ourselves - by what we’re willing
to accept.
We must all learn to clearly
identify what it is we want in our
relationships (how we want to
feel about ourselves) and then
become skilled at assertively
expressing ourselves: “When
you __________ (fill in the
unhealthy behavior), it makes me
feel __________. If you can’t be
more respectful to me, I will have
to __________ (list the
consequences and stick to
them).”
This process allows our “Woman
Energy” to emerge.
Here are some tips for setting
healthy boundaries, modified
from the book, Boundaries:
Where You End and I Begin, by
Anne Katherine:
- When you feel angry or
resentful, you probably need to
set a boundary. Listen to
yourself then communicate
your boundary assertively.
- When you identify the need to
set a boundary, be clear,
preferably without anger and in
as few words as possible. Most
importantly, be confident about
your needs and feelings
surrounding this situation.
- Do not justify, apologize for or
rationalize the boundary you
are setting. Do not argue! Just
set the boundary calmly, firmly,
clearly and respectfully.
- You can’t set a boundary and
take care of someone’s feelings
at the same time. You are not
responsible for the other
person’s reaction to the
boundary you are setting.