Funeral Service Times August 2017 April 2019 | Page 17

ADVERTORIAL 17
HOW CAN I ANSWER WHEN THEY
ASK ‘WHY?’
If children want to know ‘why?’ you could say
something like: “No-one can completely know
why. We know it wasn’t an accident. It’s so
difficult to understand why anyone would be so
cruel as to kill or hurt other people.”
MY CHILDREN ARE ASKING LOTS OF
QUESTIONS ABOUT DEATH. WHAT
SHOULD I SAY?
It is normal that children, like adults, will try
and make sense of this in their own way.
They will need the support of adults to do
this. If you feel you can, be honest and try to
avoid euphemisms (e.g. say ‘died’ not ‘gone
away’). This will avoid confusion, build trust and
reassure children that it is okay to talk openly
about difficult things. You could say something
like: “What seems to have happened is that
someone did something that hurt a person /
some people so badly that they died. Their body
stopped working because it was damaged so
much that their heart stopped and their brain
stopped so they died.”
Some children may be interested and want
to ask questions, others may be upset and want
information or reassurance than this is unlikely
to happen again, and others will want to play
or do something else – all of these are perfectly
natural reactions. If it does lead to more
questions about death and dying, and about
what happens after death, for example, “does it
hurt?”, you should try to answer as precisely and
honestly as possible, e.g.: “Nothing hurts when
someone is dead; their body can’t feel pain.”
MY CHILDREN ARE NOW SCARED
THAT I – OR THEY – WILL DIE.
It is natural that children will question whether
this might happen where they live or to people
www.funeralservicetimes.co.uk
they know. When violence is reported in the
media, young people may temporarily lose
their sense of security. They may ask questions
such as “what would happen to me if you
were killed?” Try to answer with some solid
reassurance, such as: “If one of us died for any
reason, you would always be looked after by
______ (the other parent/aunt/uncle/granny/
family friend). But I have every intention of
living for a very long time.”
There are good story books for younger
children that address death and provide an
age-appropriate way to handle these sensitive
but important conversations. Children who are
concerned will appreciate a lot of reassurance
and maybe more hugs than usual. Keeping a
reasonably normal routine going will help them
feel secure.
WILL TALKING ABOUT IT OPEN A CAN
OF WORMS?
Conversations about events like these can be
difficult and upsetting but afterwards you’ll
probably feel relieved that you were able to be
honest and build trust. Sometimes adults feel
they shouldn’t get upset in front of children
but, in fact, this can be really helpful to show
children that it is OK to have a range of difficult
emotions.
Families and professionals sometimes talk
of their reluctance to ‘open a can of worms’
and risk traumatising children by talking in
detail about death, especially when it has been
through violence. In our experience, it is better
for children to release the ‘worms’ in a safe and
steady way. This can help children feel in control
of all the wriggling emotions, questions and
anxieties that can otherwise eat away at them.
HOW MUCH DOES MY CHILD
UNDERSTAND WHAT IS BEING SAID?
Children’s understanding of death and loss
develops as they grow. Little children on
hearing that somebody’s brother has died, for
example, may wonder if he can still play football
on Friday – being ‘dead’ to a child under five
means about the same as being in another
country. Older children may talk about death
without completely understanding that death
is permanent, happens eventually to everyone
and has a cause. Check that children have
understood your explanations.
MY SON KEEPS PLAY-FIGHTING,
PRETENDING HE’S KILLING
SOMEONE? IS THAT NORMAL?
Yes, it is. Children use various ways of trying to
understand what has happened; one common
way is to act out the scene with toys or other
forms of pretend play. It is different from the
way that adults cope, so it may seem that
children are acting too flippantly, too casually
in the face of tragedy. What they are doing is
trying to understand. Children respond to grief
in different ways than adults too – for adults,
grief feels like a river you have to slowly wade
through – or a vast sea and you cannot see the
shore. For children, grief is more like puddles
that are jumped into and out of quickly.
MY LITTLE GIRL WON’T LET ME OUT
OF HER SIGHT – WHAT CAN I DO?
This is another common reaction to death,
loss and high profile tragedies – children may
fear that if something has happened that can’t
be explained, then anything can happen.
With patience and extra reassurance, she
will hopefully regain her confidence. Simple
explanations will help, as can children’s story
books which explain death and the feelings it
causes (see Suggested Reading Lists at www.
winstonswish.org). A loved toy from younger
APRIL 2019