The Sponge: The last ‘tasting’ that this meathead attended
involved a styrene cup and a keg. Baffled by the stingy amount
of juice procured into such a large glass, the quest for quantity
becomes his priority. Eyes peak to see if anyone else’s glass if
filled higher. He is known for rushing the tasting station like a
Springsteen fan for concert tickets. Cuts in line are quite common –
and how about that extra glass “for my friend”? Someone please tell
this Neanderthal where he can find the Jagermeister.
The Rater: To this technologically addicted taster, wines have
no brands and no names, only ratings and numbers. Not to
be confused with the Cork Dork, this person needs no palate
whatsoever. Armed with his all-knowing smartphone, this circus
act can simultaneously swirl with one hand and thumb click with
the other. Proceeding to sip and read microscopic text as his head
tilts backwards, the actual tasting of the wine is a mere formality.
It’s all about the wine rating. After all, why bother with individual
tastes and preferences when the ‘experts’ can tell you what you are
supposed to like? This may explain why their mothers still dress
them in the morning.
The Blowhard – We all know this person. He can actually be
quite entertaining. Emboldened by his seemingly bottomless glass
of liquid courage, this king of the run-on sentence feels the need
to pontificate endlessly of his wine prowess. He comes fully-armed
with over the top metaphors, many of which are completely
incomprehensible.
Someone please explain to me how this mammal can know of
“the aroma of a fresh laundry basket at the break of dawn in the
French countryside” when, by all indications, he has never left
Fremont, or worn a clean shirt. Like tasting wine with Harry Caray
must have been, you get his play-by-play of the entire experience.
Most saddening is the fact that this mouthpiece may actually know
a lot about wine. Most irritating is the fact that he won’t shut up
about it. Most comforting is the knowledge that you can leave him
at the table right along with your empty glass after the tasting is
over, unless of course, he is yours (sigh).
“The Blotto is content to mind his
own business while mumbling
audible half-sentences to his nearby
imaginary friend.”
“Emboldened by his seemingly
bottomless glass of liquid courage,
the Blowhard feels the need
to pontificate endlessly of
his wine prowess.”
The Moscato Mosquito: These are the anti-Raters. Numbers and
ratings do not matter to this bunch. They care not whether the
wine is from a renowned pedigree or appellation. All they want is
Moscato. These jewelry rattlers may sample the other wines out of
sheer courtesy, but you can bet their Lexus it won’t be long before
they are hovering around the Moscato bottles like flies on… you
get the idea. Domestic, imported, sparkling, not sparkling, pink or
white, it doesn’t matter. Just pour them the sweet stuff and tell them
you like their tan.
The Strong, Silent Type – This, my friends, is the quintessential
wine taster. He is aware of ratings, but does not live by them.
Quality, not quantity, is why he is here. His palate alone is
his guide. This taster is educated and experienced with wine,
appreciates wine, and knows that there is always more to learn and
discover within the world of wine. He has no need for showboating.
His reason for being here is to enjoy good wine and good times
with friends, both old and new. If those friends happen to be Cork
Dorks, Newbies, Sponges, Raters, or Moscato Mosquitos, well,
that’s quite alright. It makes for an interesting evening.
fsmomaha.com
The Emoter Mouth: This gem is easily the most unpredictable
of all tasters. While the Blo ݡ