Food & Spirits Magazine #16 | Page 45

The Sponge:  The last ‘tasting’ that this meathead attended involved a styrene cup and a keg. Baffled by the stingy amount of juice procured into such a large glass, the quest for quantity becomes his priority. Eyes peak to see if anyone else’s glass if filled higher. He is known for rushing the tasting station like a Springsteen fan for concert tickets. Cuts in line are quite common – and how about that extra glass “for my friend”? Someone please tell this Neanderthal where he can find the Jagermeister. The Rater:  To this technologically addicted taster, wines have no brands and no names, only ratings and numbers. Not to be confused with the Cork Dork, this person needs no palate whatsoever. Armed with his all-knowing smartphone, this circus act can simultaneously swirl with one hand and thumb click with the other. Proceeding to sip and read microscopic text as his head tilts backwards, the actual tasting of the wine is a mere formality. It’s all about the wine rating. After all, why bother with individual tastes and preferences when the ‘experts’ can tell you what you are supposed to like? This may explain why their mothers still dress them in the morning. The Blowhard – We all know this person. He can actually be quite entertaining. Emboldened by his seemingly bottomless glass of liquid courage, this king of the run-on sentence feels the need to pontificate endlessly of his wine prowess. He comes fully-armed with over the top metaphors, many of which are completely incomprehensible. Someone please explain to me how this mammal can know of “the aroma of a fresh laundry basket at the break of dawn in the French countryside” when, by all indications, he has never left Fremont, or worn a clean shirt. Like tasting wine with Harry Caray must have been, you get his play-by-play of the entire experience. Most saddening is the fact that this mouthpiece may actually know a lot about wine. Most irritating is the fact that he won’t shut up about it. Most comforting is the knowledge that you can leave him at the table right along with your empty glass after the tasting is over, unless of course, he is yours (sigh). “The Blotto is content to mind his own business while mumbling audible half-sentences to his nearby imaginary friend.” “Emboldened by his seemingly bottomless glass of liquid courage, the Blowhard feels the need to pontificate endlessly of his wine prowess.” The Moscato Mosquito:  These are the anti-Raters. Numbers and ratings do not matter to this bunch. They care not whether the wine is from a renowned pedigree or appellation. All they want is Moscato. These jewelry rattlers may sample the other wines out of sheer courtesy, but you can bet their Lexus it won’t be long before they are hovering around the Moscato bottles like flies on… you get the idea. Domestic, imported, sparkling, not sparkling, pink or white, it doesn’t matter. Just pour them the sweet stuff and tell them you like their tan. The Strong, Silent Type – This, my friends, is the quintessential wine taster. He is aware of ratings, but does not live by them. Quality, not quantity, is why he is here. His palate alone is his guide. This taster is educated and experienced with wine, appreciates wine, and knows that there is always more to learn and discover within the world of wine. He has no need for showboating. His reason for being here is to enjoy good wine and good times with friends, both old and new. If those friends happen to be Cork Dorks, Newbies, Sponges, Raters, or Moscato Mosquitos, well, that’s quite alright. It makes for an interesting evening. fsmomaha.com The Emoter Mouth:  This gem is easily the most unpredictable of all tasters. While the Blo ݡ