FHSTheFlash The Flash Volume 47, Issue 8 May 2007 | Page 5

Veronica Kieffer
Flash Staff Reporter

HUMAN
BILLBOARDS

PHOTO BY: TED MADIGAN

Innocent Fraser High School students walk into their favorite
clothing stores only to be transformed into walking billboards. It’s a
growing phenomenon taking over our hallways. Stores like American
Eagle, Abercrombie, and Hollister are among the stores taking part
in corrupting students’ personal styles. They are forcing students
to sport the latest trends that, as a result, empty their pockets. Not
only are these trends ridiculously expensive but also they are
replicated over and over and appear hundreds of times on different
students.
Not only are these billboards being duplicated but also students
find it hard to navigate around the building due their new shape.
Students are not able to see the teacher or the boards in class with
enormous Sears ads sitting in front of them. Billboards are shuffling
through the hallways just to make it to their next class.
A sophomore formally known as Frank Patterson, who is now
known as the new GAP billboard, sympathizes with his transformed
billboard friends.
“I couldn’t get into to the C commons snack line without turning
my body sideways,” he said.
Although the negative effect of this transformation from human
to billboard has generally outweighed the good, there still are some
positive effects. Students were able to cut their “getting ready”
time in the morning in half; they no longer have to worry about
what to wear.
Smoking habits are also being cut to nothing.
“I was about to light up until I seen Johnny Johnson who had
recently became a Bath and Bodyworks ad catch on fire just after
trying to smoke… I have kicked the habit for good!”, said Macy’s
ad formally known as Jaime Jamierson.
An anecdote for this epidemic is currently in the works. For
now fashion experts suggest staying away from malls and
department stores. Good luck, save yourself!

Vitamin Water Zombies!?!?!

By Aaron Hamel

Editor-In-Chef
It seems Fraser students sure are hungry for brain
food…. LITERALLY!!!!
“I just don’t understand it,” said a Fraser teacher.
“One minute they’re sitting quietly at their desks, and
the next minute their skin turns green, their eyes are
rolled back, and they’re screaming for brains.”
All this zombie hoopla seems to be stemming from
the latest craze to hit Fraser High, and the nation:
Vitamin Water.
“Me…love…vitamin…water…” said a passing
student when asked about the craze.
“So…refreshing…”
A source tells us that the brains of the whole scheme
seem to be the international conglomerate known as
Conglomotech Industries Incorporated Co., which has

its hand in everything from military arms to
children’s toys.
“There is nothing wrong with our vitamin
water,” a spokesperson for the company said, and
then added, “Did you know that most of the people
who turned into these monstrosities had not just
one, but TWO microwave ovens in their homes?
Doesn’t that mean anything to you people?!”
A scientist at the prestigious SCI-LAB research
facility seems to think differently.
“It’s really a matter of chemistry,” he said. “If
you look at the label, you’ll see that the vitamins
included in the vitamin water are naturally
imbalanced. Any scientist would tell you that those
specific vitamins would obviously turn the user
into a violent zombie.”

Starting in the west coast, a new zombie task
force division of the FBI has begun taking steps
in eradicating this awful menace.
“Those zombie jerks won’t know what hit them
once they encounter my men,” the commander
of the squad said. “We’ll get the job done, don’t
worry about it.”
Fraser students are advised to avoid Vitamin
Water at all costs. If you have come in contact
with it, please alert a Z.O.T.F (Zombie
Observation Task Force) official if you have the
following symptoms: a green-ing of the skin, a
condition resembling leprosy, and a hunger for
brains or other precious bodily fluids. And
remember, fair citizens, friends don’t let friends
become blood-thirsty monsters!