One sunny morning in the weeks following our separation I remember reading an email from my husband and thinking that I would never understand how he was wired to act in the context of a relationship. Desiring to understand I began reading articles and exploring the experiences of my own childhood. I thought back to my upbringing; the values my parents had instilled in us and the attitude that existed towards life and relationships. I had always acknowledged that there were significant differences between the childhoods of my husband and I, but it suddenly hit me just how important those years were for shaping our relationship behaviors.
While I imagine parenthood to have far more trials and mishaps than my mind can currently imagine, my discoveries and realizations forced me to think about the future of my children that have not yet joined me on this earth. My intent is to one day raise emotionally intelligent children with healthy minds and self-esteem. So here are a few of the things I want my kids to know:
The love I have for them is not based upon their performance or success in life.
Neither of my intelligent or savvy parents graduated high school and as a result they never placed huge expectations on us to succeed academically (we did regardless!). I knew if I failed I could always turn to my family. In relationships I am very expressive and open, knowing that discussing emotions is a healthy thing to do. I recognize that life is tough, but it’s made easier with the people you love. On the contrary, I have a friend who was raised in a performance-based home who experiences incredible difficulty overcoming failure and discussing emotions. He is yet to experience a successful romantic relationship.
I might worry or even become angry, but it doesn’t lessen my love for them.
Growing up is a tough thing to do but I imagine that being a parent is even harder. A parent has to deal with various daily schedules, work, errands, finances and the care of other humans. I want my children to know that my love does not waver even if it seems that I’m bothered by something they’ve done. I recall my parents often being concerned about finances and as a teenager I did my best to “look after myself” so as not to place more pressure on them. Perhaps my biggest downfall as a wife was the feeling that I had done something wrong, or there was something I could do to “fix it”, each time my husband appeared worried or angry. It was an insecurity that rippled through our relationship and caused added stress.
I’m available to them whenever they need me.
My husband often described to me a childhood stained by sporadic displays of love and emotional abandonment. The first few months after meeting him were a whirlwind. I had never had someone express love and speak so highly of me before. He had idealized me in a way that I would never be able to live up to; desiring connection and then perceiving rejection in ways I never intended. I want my kids to know that my love is consistent and readily available whenever they desire to tap into it. I want them to know that they can always turn to me in moments of hardship.
In the wake of separating from my husband I took the time to show gratitude to my parents for providing a stable and secure home environment, where mistakes were a part of life, where love was freely given and where, as an adult, I know that having a transparent and secure romantic partnership is not my chosen luxury, but my basic need!
I help smart women create the life they desire by attracting authentic love, being positively magnetic and shaking off the inner dreaded ex! Download a free copy of The Love Challenge: 21 Dares for 21 Days or buy my new book The Dreaded Ex: Lessons in Love at CandisHickman.com.