vide some insights into the why of the abuse, the
reader will be encouraged to explore how the
abuse was able to occur in the first place.
Part 2 is The Accident Report. This section encourages the reader to take a life inventory, factoring
in the resulting immediate and collateral damage
from his abuse. We seek to reconstruct the scene
to better understand how these events in our
childhood informed and influenced the events that
followed, many of which we either refused to see
or simply had never put together before. It’s about
assembling the puzzle of your life, only now with
the abuse narrative included.
Part 3 is Rehabilitation. Shifting from discovery
to recovery, the reader is guided through some
elements of healthy self-care, including boundary creation, priority setting, and the realization
that it is okay to have feelings. The nature of the
pain begins to shift from detection, dissection, and
connection to acceptance and transcendence as
we invite God into the equation of our experience.
Part 4 is Driving Again. Allowing God to transform
our wounds and infuse them with deeply personal meaning, we re-engage our world, albeit
with a discernable limp. We’ve come to respect
our limitations and refuse to waste the suffering
we’ve endured and the redemption we’ve found
on cynical people. Surrounded by a great cl oud
of supporters that include family, friends, counselors and, hopefully, a church body, a new courage
emerges to reconcile with the little boy so long
gagged and neglected.
Can one recover from sexual abuse?
Recover is the operative word. Yes, one can. A
neighbor’s 20-year old daughter suffered a stroke
a year ago that left her significantly disabled.
The young woman is surrounded by an incredibly dedicated family, medical professionals and
therapists, and an extended support network. The
family’s life was instantly changed by this event.
She’s learning to talk again and to walk with
braces. She’s recovering and she’s beautiful. But
she will never be the same.
The evil of child sexual abuse is so invasive it
goes to the core identity of the victim. When that
core identity is compromised, the other physical,
mental, psychological, emotional, sexual, and
spiritual networks are affected. The level of recovery depends on a variety of factors including: how
soon the abuse was discovered, how quickly and
effectively the first responders reacted, how the
family responded, how the church responded,
how law enforcement responded, the availability
and competence of trained and experienced psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists, and so
on.
When a health crisis occurs, time and quality care are essential, first to survival and then,
God-willing, to varying degrees of recovery. A
victim of sexual abuse requires the same level of
response. Sadly, there is a shortage of specialists in this area and our church culture and the
culture at large has failed to make this connection. The headlines are telling us that child sexual
abuse is an utter epidemic. Our lack of response
ought to be disturbing. The reasons for our lack of
response may prove more disturbing still.
What can families do to help survivors of
sexual abuse? Are there signs we should look
for?
I have read a lot of stories about sexual abuse
survivors. The comment sections that follow these
stories scream to survivors that, if we talk, we will
not be believed and the absolute worst motives
will be attached to us. Understand this: survivors
begin with a self-narrative that what happened to
them was not abuse. Sometimes it takes decades
for a sexual abuse survivor to concede that he
was molested or raped. The capacity of the
human psyche to dissociate from traumatic realities – even when confronted with clear evidence
– is frustratingly stubborn.
As parents, when we hear our child recount an
experience, we tend to listen through a filter that
presumes some degree of exaggeration, embellishment, or misconception. We do so because
we don’t want him or her to live in a delusional
world and we recognize the importance of telling
the truth. I look back with embarrassment on the
occasions I doubted my son or daughter, using
my skeptic’s filter, only to discover their story was
completely accurate. How humbling and appropriate it was to ask for forgiveness!
Now raise the stakes. It is critical that a child claim-