ing to have been sexually abused be believed.
Parent, imagine the regret and the permanent
damage to your son or daughter otherwise? Surround the child with affirmation, reassurances,
professional help, and loads of patience. This will
communicate to the child that what happened
was in no way his or her fault.
Immediately report the abuse to law enforcement
but take steps to shield the child from unwanted
attention. Find a trained and experienced therapist – immediately. This may not be desirable to
read, but the best therapists are not necessarily Christian; make no assumptions. Interview
the therapist candidate before exposing him to
make sure they’re experienced, credentialed, and
seems like a good fit for your child. Early intervention is critical.
Contact your pastor. If upon reading this you
might have reservations doing so, consider what
this means about the pastoral competence of your
current church. In fact, if you have opportunity to
talk with your pastor before an abuse situation
occurs, ask the pastor – and elders and church
board – what is the church’s pastoral action plan
for dealing with child sexual abuse in a member
family or if an allegation were brought against a
church member or leader.
Do you know if any members of your church are
sex offenders? As a parent, should you be privy
to this information, particularly if there’s a chance
this person might have access to your child? It’s
not an easily addressed matter but, in general,
the welfare of the child must take priority.
Some signs to watch out for in children include a
noticeable mood or personality change. Often this
sign is dismissed as pre-adolescent or adolescent hormonal changes. The child may become
withdrawn and isolated. Self-harm including cutting, pre-occupation with death, severe loss of
appetite, or violent behavior may emerge. The
child may destroy or want to discard previously
prizes possessions, remnants of a world he can
no longer enjoy. He may act out in ways that are
uncharacteristic. Grades may plummet and he
may lose interest in school, church, or family life.
He may cry at beg you not to take him to visit that
person. These are but a few indicators that ought
to raise your suspicion that your child may be a
victim of an unwanted advance or sexual abuse.
How can families help?
Families are essential! Clearly the most effective
help is prevention. So many of our homes are
fragmented. Moms and dads are tired, even in
intact and cohesive households. But vigilance is
needed to protect our children. Stranger Danger
is a motto that fails in this arena since the vast
majority of perpetrators are family relations or are
people known and trusted by the family. The ubiquity of the Internet exposes our children to people
we’d never allow in our home. Many online predators pose as children to slowly initiate and groom
our boys and girls.
The statistics of reported victims o f child sexual
abuse are staggering. Sadly, it has long been
known that many (most?) cases go unreported
and, of those that do, the stories don’t come to
light until many years later. These stories often
test the family bonds, particularly if the perpetrator is a family member. The weight of guilt and
shame is overwhelming on both the child, who
often feels responsible for his own abuse without
understanding why, and on the parents, who constantly wrestle with feelings of failure despite their
best efforts to provide and protect their children.
Our churches are generally poorly equipped
to deal with child sexual abuse. Our pulpits are
filled with messages that command us to love
and forgive one another, often as a precondition
to receiving God’s love and forgiveness. This is
an incomplete hermeneutic, and one that is injurious and dangerous for the abuse victim – and
enabling for the abuser. Our worship is filled with
lyrics of praise, redemption, and deliverance. Yet
the Psalms are filled with laments and God saw fit
to inspire the prophet Jeremiah to write the book
of Lamentations. We need to understand that the
God of the Bible weeps and He tells us to weep
with those who weep. This is a deeply vulnerable
place to go and it requires courage among people
filled with the Holy Spirit.
If you know a family that has been touched by
abuse, pray for them by name. Weep for them
because, though you may not see it, they are
surely weeping. Offer them small comforts and
reminders that they are not alone. This can come