or that their parents would not have got
divorced.
Divorce is hard, but when children
are involved it is often a complex and
emotionally charged process. Between
all the chaos, each parent may try to
be “the best parent”, and may want to
hurt the other parent by making the
child take sides. Even when parents try
to be fair, the hurt and offence caused
by the marital breakdown make parents
overly critical of the other parent, and
this often results in extreme conflict
between the parents about the child. This
in turn, causes a child to be used as a
pawn between the parents, which can be
extremely damaging to the child’s wellbeing. An adult child of divorced parents
said, “I had a great childhood until my
parents got divorced when I was 13 years
old. Divorce makes you rebel – it gives
you insecurities and a licence to do what
you want, because your mom and dad are
always playing a game with you.”
These situations and feelings are
often felt during and in the immediate
aftermath of a divorce and are not
revisited in the years following, but the
damage and the effect on the child can be
longer lasting. By revisiting the divorce
experience with a child, a parent can
become aware of the ways in which their
child was hurt and can work on fixing
some of the emotional problems caused
by it.
When talking about the divorce
experience with your child, be aware of
your own feelings. As disturbing as the
divorce was for your child, it is likely to
have been more painful and difficult for
you as the parent. The effect of the hurt
and uncertainty of divorce on adults is
well documented, and is one of the most
stressful life events that can happen.
When looking back, it is important that
you remember you did your best at a
time when there were no easy answers
and the road ahead was often unclear. It