D I V O R C E
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1. “He/she is going to leave
me.”
2. “I’m just know I’m going to
get hurt.”
Maybe they are, and it’s important to trust
your gut if you feel like you’re not being
properly supported by your friends and
family members or by your partner.
If you grew up in an environment in which
you felt unsafe, didn’t trust the people
close to you or were abused, you are likely
to identify with this perpetual fear of
getting deeply hurt.
But ask yourself if you are truly feeling
unsupported, or if you are reacting to a
deep fear of abandonment.
If you fear abandonment, you likely have
such thoughts as these: People who love
me will leave me or die. No one has ever
been there for me. The people I’ve been
closest to are unpredictable. In the end I
will be alone.
You have a tendency to over-generalize
and read into the behaviors of those
around you. As a result of your victim
mindset:
• You may become clingy.
• You may start arguments consciously
or unconsciously to test the
relationship. (This can turn into a selffulfilling prophecy — you push others
away so often that they do leave you).
• You get involved with people who
are unavailable (e.g., they live in a
different location, they are in another
relationship, you have incompatible
schedules, and so on).
• You avoid relationships so you can’t
be abandoned.
Your circuitous thought patterns may
include ones like these: I always get hurt
by the people close to me. People will take
advantage of me if I don’t protect myself.
People I trust abuse me.
So as a result of your doom-and-gloom
attitude:
• You are constantly on guard for any
sign of betrayal or abuse.
• You suspect an ulterior motive when
you are on the receiving end of a kind
gesture.
• You find it difficult, if not impossible,
to be vulnerable.
• You are accommodating and
compliant as a way to prevent others
from getting angry.
• You lash out at others as a way to
protect yourself from the abuse you
expect.
• You avoid getting close to others
because you fear they will hurt you.
• You avoid relationships because you
can’t trust anyone.
Divorce 411 April 2015 | 13