celebratory shower after turning a few assignments in, and I
realized; I wasted my weekend.
I only got four things turned in, and they weren’t all big
like you’d expect. I spent half the time playing outside with the
neighbor girls, and the other half watching youtube in my
underwear, measuring the time I have left to do work. But of
course, I didn’t really ponder that too hard.
I was in the middle of a particularly interesting TED talk
about procrastination. Ironic, I know. But just then, my phone
dies. I forgot to plug it in when I got the “5%” notification because
the guy started talking about a monkey.
I try to think about something interesting, and my mind
wanders through thought realm, searching for anything to
occupy itself with. It stumbles upon a particularly sad thought I
usually keep hidden in my back pocket in times of need: the
idea that no ones actually likes me.
I always thought of this idea as a petty thing that would
only come up if I wanted attention. So I tried to think of
anything else, but I’ve put this thought off long enough, and my
mind couldn’t come up with anything interesting enough to
replace it with, so I was stuck with this feeling of worthlessness.
I thought about all of my friends, all of my family. Everything
they’ve ever said to me, everything I’ve said back. I realized I
was a jerk to everyone I wasn’t interested in, and even to some
people I was. My parents, my closest friends, my distant friends,
those other peers that I don’t really talk to much.
I had done something wrong to each and every one of them.
And I hated myself for it. I thought to myself, why does anyone
ever stick around me anymore. I’m an idiot, and I don’t have a
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