Parent Tips : Transitions
By Julie Stevens
For many years I taught 9th grade Humanities at an independent school , assigning “ coming of age ” novels : Dandelion Wine , To Kill a Mockingbird , Catcher in the Rye , Annie John . These stories captured the challenge and uncertainty of transitioning from childhood to adulthood . Like Doug Spalding , Jem and Scout Finch , Holden Caulfield , and Annie John my students were trying on different identities while constructing a sense of self distinct from their parents , seeking an ethical path despite social pressures or confronting the human capacity for cruelty in themselves and others . Starting with cultural rites of passage surrounding puberty that paired symbolic death of childhood with risk of actual death ( think Maasai boys hunting lions with spears ) we explored liminality , when a vulnerable initiate endures trials and pain , moving through discomfort and fear to pass into a new identity . Consider the implications of longer lifespans , second careers , the notion of “ adulting ” or the fact that “ mutigenerational household ” more likely describes adult children living with parents than elderly parents living with adult children . Shifting identities and roles are increasingly the norm throughout life . While embracing the upheaval of transition may not be our first response , it is essential to continued growth at any age .
• Accept that life is both non-linear and full of unanticipated transitions , not predictable , sequential and happily-ever-after . Many transitions will present as major disruptions , with a lifetime average of three to five consisting of “ lifequakes ” that may last several years . This was Bruce Feiler ’ s conclusion after analyzing the life stories of 225 highly diverse respondents for Life is in the Transitions ( Penguin Random House , 2020 ). Feiler notes that a view of life as a linear , orderly progression through stages , rather than cycling through seasons of thick and thin , is relatively new , anxiety-producing , and contrary to reality . When our experience fails to conform to the fairytale ideal — school followed by love , marriage , successful career , fulfilling retirement — we fault ourselves . We yearn for unrealistic closure . Better to reject the flawed model , anticipate that more change will come and reflect on how we successfully negotiated past changes ( what Feiler calls our “ transition superpower ”).
• Lean into the moments of clarity and insight that come with challenging changes to discern what is essential for you / your kids to thrive . Practice coping strategies shown to ease transition — gratitude , self-compassion , connecting with friends — while reminding yourself that change is a constant . Families experiencing a health crisis , divorce / remarriage , or a child going off to college balance on a threshold , without accustomed boundaries providing protection , but also free from those that may have confined them . Bittersweet moments prompt self-assessment . Kids and adults alike may grieve the loss of predictable routines , established roles and day-to-day certainty , but gain hope and confidence from greater self-knowledge : “ These are skills I didn ’ t
Page 32 Fall 2022 CSEE Connections