BEING A CAREPARTNER( continued)
The 7 Deadly Emotions of Caregiving
Paula Spencer Scott
Nobody would ever choose a smiley face as the perfect symbolic emoticon for a caregiver. Caregiving for an ailing loved one is just too stressful, often triggering damaging emotions that can not only undermine your good work but harm your health, as well. Here’ s how to cope:
Caregiver emotion trap # 1: Guilt Guilt is virtually unavoidable as you try to“ do it all.”
What causes guilt: Guilt stems from doing or saying what you believe is the wrong thing, not doing what you perceive to be enough, or otherwise not behaving in the“ right” way, whether or not your perceptions are accurate. Caregivers often burden themselves with a long list of self-imposed“ oughts,”“ shoulds,” and“ musts.” A few examples: I must avoid putting Mom in a nursing home. I ought to visit every day. I shouldn’ t lose my temper with someone who has dementia.
Risks of guilt: Caregiver guilt is an especially corrosive emotion because you’ re beating yourself up over faults that are imagined, unavoidable— or simply human. That’ s counterproductive at a time when you need to be your own best advocate.
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What you can do: Lower your standards from ideal to real; aim for a B + in the many aspects of your life rather than an across-the-board A +. When guilt nags, ask yourself what’ s triggering it: A rigid“ ought”? An unrealistic belief about your abilities? Above all, recognize that guilt is virtually unavoidable. Because your intentions are good but your time, resources, and skills are limited, you’ re just plain going to feel guilty sometimes— so try to get comfortable with that gap between perfection and reality instead of beating yourself up over it.
Caregiver emotion trap # 2: Resentment This emotion is still so taboo that many caregivers are loathe to admit it.
What causes resentment: Caregivers often feel put-upon and upset because of imagined slights by others, including siblings and adult children who don’ t do enough to help. Caregiver resentment is especially felt toward the person being cared for, when the caregiver’ s life feels hijacked by responsibility and out of her or his own control.
Risks of resentment: Without enough support or noncaregiving outlets, feelings of being ignored, abandoned, or criticized can fester into anger and depression.
What you can do: Simply naming this tricky emotion to a trusted confidante can bring some release. Try venting to a journal or anonymous blog. Know that resentment is a very natural and common response to long-term caregiving, especially if your work life, marriage, health, or outside activities are compromised as a result. Know, too, that you can feel this complicated emotion yet still be a good person and a good caregiver.
See also: Chapters on Managing Symptoms and Managing Care and Getting Professional Support.