and pressure? Busy involved with other things? About
to go to bed? About to leave for work? Trying to resolve
an argument at the wrong time can lead to less than
desirable results. “Partners who pay attention to how the
other is responding and when they are most receptive
to productive conversations, often have better outcomes
when they are selective about their timing when broaching tough topics,” notes Dr. Bethany Simmons, professor of marital and family therapy. Couples who make
time for conversation and important topics on a regular
basis (daily, weekly, etc.) communicate to their partner
that they are important and willing to flesh out the difficult aspects of their relationship. Sometimes planning
your arguments is not always possible, so here is what
to do if the timing is off…
LEAD IT HOME
There are few sights that attract more simultaneous
public sympathy and annoyance than a couple having a
rather private argument in a rather public place. No one
wants to air their dirty laundry in public, but that’s exactly what tends to happen when couples feud out of the
house. This causes more problems than simple embarrassment, however. Arguments in front of prying eyes
make it harder for either side to back down and apologize, for fear of losing face. That means a public argument is more likely to go on and on, past the point when
the two of you should have been able to make amends.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to guarantee that an argument
will never start while you’re out of the house, especially
if you’re at a restaurant, bar or party and the drinks are
flowing. Tempers can flare at any time – what counts
isn’t stopping arguments from starting, but controlling
them once they do. With that in mind, if you realize that
tension is rising when you’re out in public, try to calmly
but firmly suggest that you both agree to leave the topic
be until the end of the night, or the next time you’ll be by
yourselves. Things may remain tense between the two
of you, but you’ll avoid causing a scene – and the extra
time might give you both the chance to cool off. That’s
the approach recommended by psychotherapist Dr. Tina
B. Tessina.“Disagreements always require two people,”
she argues. “If you don’t participate, your partner can’t
argue without you. If the issue arises at an inopportune
time, you can just find a temporary resolution (agree to
delay the discussion, go home, leave the restaurant)
and wait until things calm down to discuss what happened.” However, be careful not to just dismiss your
partner or their concerns. Attempting to stop an argument by disengaging from them could actually esca