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What Every Man Needs to Know About
Handling Arguments in a Long-term
Relationship
I
f you’re trying to win, you’ve already lost.
When it comes to long-term relationships, arguments
are a bit of an inevitability. No matter how well you get
on, how much you have in common or how much you
love each other, you will argue. A lot. At length. Sometimes very loudly. If you put two people together for long
enough, they’ll find something to argue about. In fact, in
a lot of ways, arguments are a good thing. Arguments
suggest passion; they show that you each care enough
about what the other thinks or says or does to get worked
up about it, to become furious. The alternative is that
you simply don’t care enough to argue with each other,
and apathy is rarely part of a successful relationship.
Of course, constant arguments aren’t much better than
none at all, but there’s definitely a happy middle ground
to be found. “Arguments have such a bad rep. Actually,
they can bring you closer together,” reminds therapist
Dr. Nancy Irwin. “This is why make-up sex is so great.”
She isn’t the only expert trying to move away from the
view that arguments are always a sign of trouble between partners. “Conflict in the context of a relationship
is not only normal but also healthy,” agrees clinical psy-
chologist Dr. Hillary Goldsher. “It is inevitable that issues
arise that require resolution when two people have an
intimate connection. The question is not if conflicts are
going to occur, but how to handle them when they do.”
What a lot of people underestimate is that arguing is a
skill. No, not winning arguments – that’s a different issue, and you’re not going to get very far in relationships
if you worry about winning arguments. Instead, the skill
that you need to worry about is managing arguments:
when and where they happen, how to end them, how
to pause them and pick them up at another time, and,
perhaps most importantly, how to concede an argument even when you *know* you’re right. Yup, I’m afraid
sometimes you’re just going to have to swallow your
pride and admit defeat even when you’re in the right. If
that prospect hurts, just remember that your partner is
doing the same for you every now and then too.
TIMING IS SUCCESS
Not only is knowing how to have an argument important,
but also when to have the argument can make the difference between a happy ending and a miserable night
on the couch. Long day at work? Under a lot of stress
42 | BOOM