MEN’S
THERE’S NO SHAME IN SURRENDER
It’s very easy to think of any argument, even within a
couple, as a competition, where winning or being right
can seem more important than, y’know, just getting on
with one another. One of the toughest lessons to learn
in a longterm relationship is that winning an argument
is a pretty empty victory if it leaves the two of you feuding and bitter, or ruins what could have been a great
night together. Sometimes it’s better to just take one
for the team and concede the argument for the sake of
salvaging your evening and getting the chance to enjoy each other’s company again. “Remember you are
‘on the same team’,” suggests psychotherapist Sharon
Martin. “The goal is not to ‘win’ the argument. The goal
is resolution in a way that is respectful and meets both
of your needs.” Now, this advice comes with a few caveats. First, giving up the argument means giving it up for
good. This isn’t a chance to pretend they’re right, make
nice and come at them with full force later on. If you’re
going to tell them they’re right, you’ve got to stick to it.
Second, don’t let yourself get bitter about it. Don’t fall into
the trap of thinking you’re giving in “to shut them up” or
anything similar – instead, you’re making a (small) sacrifice to keep things harmonious. And odds are, they’re
doing it for you every now and then too. You didn’t think
you really won that argument about why Furious 7 was
the perfect date movie, did you? Can’t concede, but
want to end the argument? Empathy can do wonders.
Telling your partner, “I hear what you’re saying,” “I can
see you’re point,” or “I understand why this really upsets
you…” can take an argument from 90 to 0, without having to necessarily give in. Finally, pick and choose your
fights. Some arguments are too important to just give
in on, and you need to settle them one way or another.
That means anything that will have a lasting impact on
your relationship, home or personal lives. It’s one thing
to give in and let her pick where you go for dinner even
though she got to the last three times, it’s another to just
let her have her way entirely when it comes to where
you’re going to live or where your relationship boundaries lie. That doesn’t mean you should get your way either – the big stuff needs to be settled amicably [