“Oakley?”
“Yes, hi.”
My mom let me go and I felt paranoid. I didn’t know what for.
I felt good about therapy even before the session started which never really happens
to help my condition so great! My doctor or therapist (I don’t really know) is Mrs.
Jenkins. She had a soft inviting voice that was very calming. She asked me about
why I was there and about past situations that have developed my severe case of
anxiety. I got so nervous to inform her but what really triggered my severe anxiety
was about how one of my best friends was in Manchester at the concert bombing.
You know which one. She lost her life for having fun, enjoying what she loves. I blew
into tears after telling Mrs. Jenkins. I gasped and said how that occurrence had
started my overthinking then eventually bullying in seventh and eighth grade. That
friend I lost was one of my most special and that already hurts enough.
Ballet was just a blur. I have filled my mind with the worst memory during another
Nutcracker rehearsal. Same old, same old, same old until the show.
December 15th
It’s been a bit now and I have been going to see Mrs. Jenkins quite a lot since the
first day. It has been pretty good. I’ve got very comfortable to tell her things, but my
anxiety is still the same. I know other people who’s disorder decreased after like a
week but I’m still the same. I mean I’m not surprised… at all. Tomorrow I have my
first Nutcracker show and bad things are coming to mind. I have intense rehearsal
today. On stage, in costume. I have a set of a bunch of fouettes and pirouettes that’s
very close to the edge of the stage and I almost thought I’m gonna fall at one point. I
got my costume on and put on that makeup. I started dancing, dozing off but my
stupid anxiety kept filling my head.
Don’t fall off.
Don’t fall off.
Uh
Uh
Uh.
Phew. okay, I didn’t just die.
We did a couple runs of the whole thing and nothing happened. Confidence was
eh… not sure. I sometimes get very insecure but what do you expect. I had an
anxiety attack for the twentieth time. I went home, started procrastinating on my
finals for school and panicking about my first show tomorrow. I think I’m ready for my
finals… actually... wait….. no. We all know they won’t go well. I studied and it wasn’t
fun and these overpowering thoughts almost kept my head blowing up. I can’t do
anything about it. Ms. Jenkins is on vacation.