I was on a liquid diet . It felt like forever , especially when I was making spaghetti for my family , then drinking a protein shake . But I lost 50 pounds that first month . In six months I was down 100 pounds . Every time I looked in the mirror , I was like , “ I want to buy something ! I look great !” I got new clothes for every 10 pounds I lost . What fit one week didn ’ t fit the next !

Through it all I had to learn how to deal with life without using eating as a crutch . Relationships that were food-focused revealed themselves — those people aren ’ t in my life anymore , but that ’ s OK .

I can ’ t eat for comfort now ; it makes me ill . I ’ m still learning coping methods for dealing with my feelings , but I don ’ t muffle them with food . It ’ s scary experi- encing these emotions . Not everything feels good , but at least it ’ s real .

I was most nervous about how the surgery would affect my husband and me . When I was 440 pounds , I ’ d think , He probably thinks I am awful to look at ; he can ’ t love me . But he told me , “ I have always loved you . Your weight has never been an issue .”

Three years after the surgery , I became a plus-size fit model . It ’ s now my job not to lose ! I weigh 230 pounds , and I ’ m healthy ; I ’ m active . Last May I walked in the Christian Siriano / Lane Bryant runway show . Because of my surgery I am accomplishing my dreams — and being there for my son . I once mourned the child I thought I lost , but I never lost him : He has always been there , leading me .

… After a Loved One ’ s Suicide

From the moment I met Mitch , he made me laugh . He was fiercely funny and a little bit odd , brilliant , with such a big heart . We ’ d been married two years when he died . I had been learning how to be a wife — suddenly I had to learn how to be a widow .

That first night , my parents took me home with them , and I never went back to my house . I stayed there for nine months , and my brother moved in too . Friends from all walks of life showed up soon after with nothing but love to give .

The first week , my mom made sure I did not sleep in my bed alone : She had my girlfriends rotate nights with me and hold me while I cried . I was having a hard time eating , so when my dad found out that I ’ d drink smoothies , there was one in my hand every day for a month . Simple gestures like that mattered a lot .

One day I picked up from my house a bag of things someone had packed for me . They didn ’ t notice it had blood spattered on the side . From then on I was terrified of anything that had been in my bedroom .

I was also afraid of life without Mitch . I witnessed Mitch ’ s death , so fear came in the form of post-traumatic stress disorder . Everything was a trigger — noises , the dark . I was afraid I would see his ghost when the lights were out . C . S . Lewis said , “ No one ever told me grief felt so like fear .”

At times it felt like I ’ d imagined being married , as if Mitch wasn ’ t even real .

Many months later a form of anger settled in and hasn ’ t left . It ’ s easier to be mad than to let real pain and hurt exist , so it ’ s become a protective layer . I ’ ll work it out , but I ’ m just not there yet .

Grief isn ’ t predictable , and a loss like this never goes away . You don ’ t “ get over it ”; you learn how to manage it in your life . I ’ m trying not to rush myself . I write a lot — it lets me process things in a way that speaking out loud just can ’ t .

One of the hardest parts , which I still struggle with , is dealing with people speculating about why this happened . They want a cause (“ He was in the military ”) or a diagnosis (“ She was bipolar ”), but suicide is not so easily understood . I think Mitch kept his pain to himself partly because he didn ’ t want to be a burden .

Since Mitch died , I ’ ve been humbled by experiencing unconditional love . Mitch ’ s fellow soldiers were by my side within days ; even now their tragedy assistance program for survivors , TAPS , has been an irreplaceable support . I cling to that relentless love of my family and friends . It gives me peace and hope that there is a lot of beautiful love in this world to go around .