Kind of silly huh? Silly or not it is the truth. This deep seeded fear that all things will end or abandon me haunts me so much that it has even affected my health and eating habits. I don't know why I try to fight the inevitable because all things must come to an end but I do and right now that is where I am. Learning to accept that things will eventually end and to enjoy the moment but not to overdo it.
My Body Image Healing
By Cathy Swab
G.I. Joe, dirt clods, and remote control cars were the toys that I enjoyed the most as a child being raised around older brothers. However, my mom always bought me foo-foo pretty pink dresses, Barbie dolls, and anything that was girly and boring. Everyone else's standards of my outward appearance became mine. Because I was the youngest and idolized my older siblings, I learned to identify my body image through my brothers' eyes or the image that they had toward women, that's how I was supposed to see myself.
I didn't know that I was beautiful for years. I started doing beauty pageants when I was 14 and still I didn't feel I was good enough. I won crowns trophies and I felt pretty but it wasn't because of the trophy. I played sports and had an excellent build, long beautiful healthy hair, a happy smile and still all I saw was flaws in my appearance.
I had a lot of people; my family, my siblings, and random people tell me I was pretty so I felt good about my appearance however I still struggled with my self-esteem.
I was raised in a very strict environment and yet there was no control over an abusive family member. I was constantly battling, sticking up for myself, protecting myself and I never felt safe. Most of my teenage years were spent in survival mode, and I never had the opportunity to be a kid really. Yet feeling good about myself was there, always readily available. Something inside me would say: "you're special. You're special. You're special." It was an ever so slight, small, little voice; however, it felt bright no matter how small it was so I noticed it.
It would take many, many years before I felt like I knew who I really was, my authentic self. I went through a powerful training that taught me to accept myself. A special part of the training was specifically for women. Even though I'd done modeling, had won beauty pageants, was in homecoming, I struggled with my appearance. My weight would fluctuate as well. (Kind of random, needs a foundation of why it's here) There was no where I could hide in the training, I knew this was my time to stick my neck completely out. I did it, I healed toward my body and forgave others and most importantly forgave myself. The greater the risk, the greater the value.
After that I entered myself in a swimsuit competition at a car show in Las Vegas in front of hundreds of people. I had the opportunity to obtain some 'liquid courage' before I got on the stage, and I realized this was my moment and I wanted to feel it all. So I declined the alcoholic libation, and stood in my excellence. I stood on that stage in my adorable one piece, leopard-print, vintage swimsuit. Even in my teenage pageants, I never wore a swimsuit and would avoid pageants that required a swimsuit competition. And there I stood in the desert of Las Vegas, on a stage in front of complete strangers, half naked, 20 pounds over (okay, 33 pounds) my recommended weight size for my height, according to the governmental standards. (Continued on Next Page)
©JessicaAsh