EXTRA ! EXTRA ! EXTRA ! Some totally legitimate stories
NFL ’ s Washington Warriors Sued by Michigan High School
In a Move that Mirrors Trump , Biden Pardons Rapper Tay-K
By Michael Ferrari Chieftain Staff
Brother Rice High School , a Christian Brother institution located in Bloomfield Hills , Mich ., has sued the National Football League after the Washington Football Team , formerly the Washington Redskins , settled on a new team name and branding .
The organization has decided to become the Washington Warriors and has adopted Brother Rice ’ s official school logo , colors , and name . Additionally , Brother Rice ’ s jerseys have mysteriously gone missing , and there are rumors that the NFL is behind the theft .
The NFL and the newly branded Washington Warriors have denied the claims .
IPO for SpaceX Is Sure to Soar
By Patrick Karam Chieftain Staff
An exciting new IPO is set to hit the market , and it will go to the moon . Actually , it ’ s going to Mars .
Billionaire Elon Musk ’ s SpaceX is expected to IPO April 1 at $ 435 per share . This highly anticipated stock will blow everything else out of the water . It is predicted to surpass GameStop and AMC levels in regards to single-day stock growth . The stock is an absolute lock according to Chieftain analysts . They say SpaceX will have one of the largest payouts ever in stock market history .
Ricardo Galvao
Bezos , Musk Compete For Mars
By Patrick Karam Chieftain Staff
Jeff Bezos , CEO of Amazon , has resigned to pursue the purchase of the highly coveted planet Mars . In order to achieve this almost impossible task , however , he must outbid the man who actually has the capability to get us to Mars , SpaceX owner Elon Musk . The auction for Mars will take place sometime April 1 , according to Chieftain sources .
Of Bezos , Musk said , “ He doesn ’ t know the first thing about space except when it comes to invading personal space .” Bezos shot back , “ At least I am honest and I don ’ t lie about an indestructible car windshield .”
By Teddy Dunn Chieftain Staff
After former President Donald Trump pleased many citizens and supporters with his pardons of rappers like Lil Wayne and Kodak Black , his successor , Joe Biden , is now trying a similar tactic .
The Biden Administration is pardoning beloved 20-year-old rapper Tay-K ( real name Taylor Travon McIntyre ), who is infamous for breaking house arrest and releasing a song while on the run called “ The Race ,” which has amassed over 216 million streams . In a hurried interview , Tay-K said , “ I ’ m coming out of jail , just like Bobby ,” referring to another rapper , Bobby Shmurda , who was recently released from prison after a seven-year sentencing .
Biden Names Kanye Ambassador to Mars
By Michael Ferrari Chieftain Staff
President Joe Biden has officially recognized Mars as a sovereign country after hearing of the bidding war between superpower CEOs Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk . Biden has assigned former political opponent and rapper / producer Kanye Omari West as the Ambassador to Mars .
“ This is one of our most ambitious projects yet as a nation , so we need THE most ambitious man in the nation to run it ,” Biden said .
“ I ’ m so happy I ’ m able to make President Biden famous ,” an excited West told reporters at the White House .
Brother Rice High School Chieftain Page 6 ap ri l 1 , 2021
Ricardo Galvao
Jean Paul Ponnesse