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AND MOVED TO THE CITY OF KINGSTON TO LIVE WITH MY STRIPPER COUSIN. I FELT FREE. SO MANY THINGS I SAW AND EXPERIENCED. GOT SHOT AT, ALMOST GOT KILLED 3 TIMES, ONE FOR SUPPORTING GAY PEOPLE. THE OTHER WAS JUST WRONG PLACE WRONG TIME. WHERE WERE YOU? I DIDNT FINISH HIGHSCHOOL BCUZ I GOT PREGNANT. I STILL DONT KNOW HOW YOU ENDED UP AT MY WEDDING. I NEVER WANTED TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN. BUT I WANTED TO MAKE MY HUSBAND HAPPY. AND HE BEGGED ME, TO ASK YOU TO COME. SO IF YOU DIDNT KNOW NOW YOU KNOW. YOU WAS NEVER WELCOMED IN MY HEART TO MY WEDDING. THEN MY HUSBAND AND MY DAUGHTER MOVED TO THE STATES. A FEW DAYS BEFORE MY 24TH BIRTHDAY YOU HAD THE NERVE TO CALL ME. I ANSWERED, THE FIRST THING YOU SAID WAS YOU HAD SOMETHING TO TELL ME AND IM GOING TO BE UPSET. I ASKED YOU WHAT? ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME, THAT MY DAD AINT REALLY MY DADDY? AND YOU SAID YES. IT WASNT THE FIRST TIME I HEARD THAT SO I WASNT SHOCKED. THE ONLY REASON YOU CALLED WAS BECUZ THE MAN WANTED YOU TO GET IN CONTACT WITH ME BECAUSE HE WANTS TO MEET HIS KID. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AT THE AGE OF 24 YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS THE BEST TIME TO TELL ME THAT THE MAN WHO FED ME CLOTHED AND SHELTERED ME MOST OF MY LIFE WAS NOT MY FATHER. AND THAT ALL THIS TIME AND ALL THOSE RUMORS WERE TRUE. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL? I HAVENT TALKED TO YOU SINCE THAT TIME. 2 YEARS AGO. I HAVE ALOT OF HATRED TOWARDS YOU AND WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT IT I GET VERY ANGRY. I TOOK MYSELF AWAY FROM PEOPLE AND LIVED INSIDE BCUZ I FEARED IF I LET ANYONE IN TOO MUCH THEY WOULD HURT ME. I MEAN IF YOUR OWN MOTHER COULD LET SO MUCH HARM COME TO YOU AS A CHILD, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK STRANGERS COULD DO?
I HAD TO PLAY A ROLE OF BEING MOTHER TO MY SISTER WHILE TRYING TO SURVIVE THE HANDS OF MOLESTERS, AND PEOPLE TELLING ME THAT IM NOT MY FATHER'S CHILD. MY FATHER COULDNT READ, SO ANYTHING THAT NEEEDED TO BE READ IN THE HOUSE WAS LEFT UP TO ME. IF HE CANT READ HOW IS HE GNA HAVE A DECENT JOB TO TAKE CARE OF US? TWO LITTLE GIRLS. IMAGINE THE LIFE OF 2 LITTLE GIRLS AND A BLACK ILLITERATE MAN. DAM NEAR EVERYTHING FELLL ON ME. WHERE WERE YOU? OUT GETTING PREGNANT AGAIN. MY FATHER DID HIS BEST, HE LOVED US AND DID EVERYTHING HE COULD TO MAKE SURE WE WERE COMFORTABLE. EVEN GIVING US THE BED AND SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR IN OUR 1 BEDROOM SHACK. WHEN MY DAD LEFT US TO LIVE WITH HIS MOTHER BCUZ HE HAD TO WORK AND SHE WOULD BEAT ME AND TELL ME THAT IM NOT HER SON'S CHILD BCUZ IM LIGHTSKINNED AND ALL HER GRANDKIDS ARE BLACK, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU? AFTER MY FIRST BABY MY BABY'S DAD WENT CRAZY. HIS BROTHER GOT KILLED IN NEW YORK AND HE WANTED REVENGE. SINCE HE COULDNT GET ANY REVENGE HE STARTED DOING CRACK AND DRINKING HEAVILY. HE CAME HOME AND WE GOT IN FIGHTS. THE FIRST TIME HE HIT ME I WAS 6 MONTHS PREGNANT. I STAYED UNTIL I HAD THE BABY. I WAS 18 YRS OLD WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS 3 MONTHS OLD WHEN HE HIT ME AGAIN. THIS TIME IT WAS A WRESTLING MATCH. WE FOUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET LIKE 2 NIGGAS AND PEOPLE STOOD AROUND AND WATCHED. SOMEBODY DECIDED ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH AND BROKE UP THE FIGHT. I CALLED THE COPS, LOCKED HIM UP AND LEFT WITH MY BABY. I FELT SORRY FOR HIM AND WENT AND BAILED HIM FROM JAIL. BUT I DIDNT GO BACK TO HIM. WHERE WERE YOU AS MY MOTHER WHEN ALL THIS SHIT WAS GOING DOWN? I TOOK MY KID AND MOVED TO THE CITY OF KINGSTON TO LIVE WITH MY STRIPPER COUSIN. I FELT FREE. SO MANY THINGS I SAW AND EXPERIENCED. GOT SHOT AT, ALMOST GOT KILLED 3 TIMES, ONE FOR SUPPORTING GAY PEOPLE. THE OTHER WAS JUST WRONG PLACE WRONG TIME. WHERE WERE YOU? I DIDNT FINISH HIGHSCHOOL BCUZ I GOT PREGNANT. I STILL DONT KNOW HOW YOU ENDED UP AT MY WEDDING. I NEVER WANTED TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN. BUT I WANTED TO MAKE MY HUSBAND HAPPY. AND HE BEGGED ME, TO ASK YOU TO COME. SO IF YOU DIDNT KNOW NOW YOU KNOW. YOU WAS NEVER WELCOMED IN MY HEART TO MY WEDDING. THEN MY HUSBAND AND MY DAUGHTER MOVED TO THE STATES. A FEW DAYS BEFORE MY 24TH BIRTHDAY YOU HAD THE NERVE TO CALL ME. I ANSWERED, THE FIRST THING YOU SAID WAS YOU HAD SOMETHING TO TELL ME AND IM GOING TO BE UPSET. I ASKED YOU WHAT? ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME, THAT MY DAD AINT REALLY MY DADDY? AND YOU SAID YES. IT WASNT THE FIRST TIME I HEARD THAT SO I WASNT SHOCKED. THE ONLY REASON YOU CALLED WAS BECUZ THE MAN WANTED YOU TO GET IN CONTACT WITH ME BECAUSE HE WANTS TO MEET HIS KID. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AT THE AGE OF 24 YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS THE BEST TIME TO TELL ME THAT THE MAN WHO FED ME CLOTHED AND SHELTERED ME MOST OF MY LIFE WAS NOT MY FATHER. AND THAT ALL THIS TIME AND ALL THOSE RUMORS WERE TRUE. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL? I HAVENT TALKED TO YOU SINCE THAT TIME. 2 YEARS AGO. I HAVE ALOT OF HATRED TOWARDS YOU AND WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT IT I GET VERY ANGRY. I TOOK MYSELF AWAY FROM PEOPLE AND LIVED INSIDE BCUZ I FEARED IF I LET ANYONE IN TOO MUCH THEY WOULD HURT ME. I MEAN IF YOUR OWN MOTHER COULD LET SO MUCH HARM COME TO YOU AS A CHILD, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK STRANGERS COULD DO? BUT AS I MATURE IM LEARNING HOW TO FORGIVE. I THINK ITS BECAUSE MY DAUGHTERS ARE GETTING OLDER AND I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE YOU. IM TEACHING THEM FORGIVENESS. IM BEING A MOTHER. SOMETHING THAT YOU NEVER WAS, TO ME. IM TRYING MY HARDEST TO PROTECT THEM. BECAUSE I DONT WANT THEM TO EVER HAVE TO ENDURE BEING RAPED OR MOLESTED. I DONT WANT THEM TO KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE. I GUESS YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME SOMETHING. IM LEARNING TO FORGIVE, AND THE BIGGEST FORGIVENESS COMES WITH ME FORGIVING YOU. WE WONT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP BUT IM AT PEACE. I REALIZED I CANT CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST JUST HAVE TO BE STRONG AND MOLD MY FUTURE. I DONT CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY. THE MAN THAT RAISED ME AS A CHILD AND LOVED ME NO MATTER WHAT IS MY FATHER. NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT.
I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR STRENGTH AND PATIENCE. BECAUSE I KNOW WE WILL HAVE TO MEET ONE DAY.
I WILL CONTINUE TO WORK ON MY ANGER ISSUES SO THAT IM NOT FORCED TO SEEK VIOLENCE WHENEVER WE DO MEET.
IM NOT DOING THIS JUST FOR ME BUT FOR MY DAUGHTERS.
GOD HELP ME.