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For example , say , “ I feel like you expect more from me than from the others ,” rather than “ You are harder on me .” It ’ s a subtle difference , but it can help a conversation go more smoothly . If she agrees that she ’ s a little bit harder on you than the other employees , then suggest a code word that you can use to indicate when she ’ s putting more pressure on you than she should . As she relaxes into her role , it should get better .
However , she will likely deny treating you differently , and the problem won ’ t go away . If this is Mary ’ s first time managing , she ’ s probably overwhelmed . Managing is more complicated than just doing the job , and she ’ s got the added burden of managing a friend .
Escalate if needed
If your discussion with Mary doesn ’ t end her harsher treatment , then it ’ s time to talk with her boss or human resources . It ’ s not a good idea to go in and demand that Mary be nicer . It ’ s better to approach it from a “ What can I do ?” perspective .
For instance , “ I ’ m really struggling with Mary now that she ’ s my manager . We used to be close friends , so the transition is hard . I feel like she ’ s tougher on me than my coworkers to prove that she isn ’ t showing me favoritism . Do you have any suggestions for me ?”
This lets them know there ’ s a problem with Mary and that you will make changes if needed . It helps you look less like you are whining about the situation .
However , keep in mind that if you hope to fix the relationship with Mary , having her boss or HR come down hard on her will probably destroy that forever . If you think Mary will adjust on her own after getting used to being the boss , I ’ d hold off on this for as long as possible .
Get a new job
This can seem like a drastic step , but if your relationship with Mary is essential to you , the easiest way to fix it is to no longer be her direct report . If there are opportunities within the company , transferring to a new group can be the easiest solution .
If not , looking externally can be a good thing to do as well . You ’ re employed now , so there ’ s no hurry to find something new . Start your job search now , and you ’ ll likely find something within the next six months and move on . Then , hopefully , you can rekindle your friendship with Mary .
Don ’ t tell Mary what to do
While it ’ s undoubtedly easier to insist that others change than to take action ourselves , it ’ s highly ineffective . Mary can ’ t resume her close friendship with you and be an effective supervisor . We know that much . She also needs to treat you fairly , and she ’ s struggling with that . If she were to ask me , I ’ d coach her through some things she could try , including helping you find a position on a new team internally .
Good managers need firm boundaries with their employees . People often know that romantic relationships between managers and employees are inappropriate but don ’ t often consider how difficult it is to navigate friendship in the office hierarchy . It can be just as tricky .
Suzanne Lucas spent 10 years in corporate human resources , where she hired , fired , managed the numbers and doublechecked with the lawyers . On Twitter @ RealEvilHRLady . Send questions to evilhrlady @ gmail . com .
Have you ever had to supervise a friend in the workplace ?
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July 2021 | comstocksmag . com 15