WINE CHICK
TEXT
AGNES PEILLET
THE
MORNING
AFTER
’As my heart was slowly inching
closer and closer to perfect happiness,
I remembered my mother’s almost
scientific cure to short-circuit the
after-effects of excess drinking.
L
ast week my girlfriends
suggested we go for a
Holiday-season-kick-offdrink at Caramel. I went
along. That’s because I have
selective memory, or the ability to
remember some facts (going out with
my blonde girlfriends is fun) while
forgetting others (going out with my
blonde girlfriends is dumb).
Hoping I could outsmart my
friends, I suggested we order
Champagne. At a gazillion shillings
a bottle, the bubbly is a deal breaker,
at least for me. However, my big
bang theory failed like a glass of flat
champagne. The blondes have real
jobs, real end-of-year bonuses and
bottomless wallets to match.
I suppose after the third
mushroom-shaped cork had been
popped and the bubbles downed
and burped, I could have put my
hand up and ordered water. But as
my heart was slowly inching closer
and closer to perfect happiness, I
remembered my mother’s almost
scientific cure to short-circuit the
after-effects of excess drinking.
54.
The ‘Half-Baked Method’
Step 1: Clear — Stumble to the
bathroom and eliminate. If you feel
like hell, that’s because booze is
toxic. So housecleaning should be
your first order of business. Reverse
park on the toilet seat, pee, flush.
Then, and to be used sparingly and
only in extreme cases, forward park
in front of the toilet. Kneel down,
pull your hair back, use the finger.
While on all fours, picture Nicki Minaj
in Anaconda and embrace your inner
lioness. Wipe. Repeat. Brush your
teeth.
Step 2: Hydrate — Make for the
kitchen to rehydrate and cook.
Where booze is involved H20 is
your BFF. Gulp down five glasses
of water in under three minutes
quickly followed by a Morning Relief
formulation Alka Seltzer. Plop, plop,
fizz, fizz is music to the ears.
Step 3: Hair of the Dog— Retrieve
a bottle of bubbly from the shelf
for a champagne-infused hangover
mask. In a bowl, mix a shot glass
full of clay powder, 1/2 shot glass
of champagne, preferably organic,
and 1/2 shot glass of cream or plain
yogurt and a few drops of essential
oil. Resist the urge to drink it. Just
doesn’t work. Trust me.
Step 4: Clean-up — Take a long,
hot shower. No Champagne shower
please. I don’t care how hungover
or rich you are, that’s just plain
obnoxious. As you step out, avoid
mirrors at all cost. The fact that your
skin feels as dry as smoked fish
should be enough to remind you that
your face is probably as puffy as a
puffer fish and that the dark circles
under your eyes have morphed from
bags to oversized suitcases.
Step 4: Butter up — From your
neck to between your toes cover
your entire body with a mixture
of aspirin-infused moisturizer. My
mother’s advice: if it works for your
head why not try in on your skin.
(No comment) If necessary, use
sho